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There are reasons to hate teenage girls… shitloads of them. One of the biggest reasons to hate teenage girls is the fact that whatever girly-looking dude they’re into at the moment can propel a piece of shit like 17 Again to number one at the box office. This movie is a steaming pile of trite garbage, that uses and abuses Zac Efron like some sort of teen visual dildo to make the aforementioned teenage girls cream in their jeans… the shame the film’s producers must feel boggles the mind.

In the film, the protagonist makes the biggest mistake of his life by bailing out on a basketball game to propose to his high school sweetheart. Cut to the future… or the present as it is, and the dude, who looked like Zac Efron when he was young but grew up to look like Matthew Perry, discovers that his life is complete shit. His fairy janitor shows up and asks him if he would do things differently if he could go back in time. He says “Yes,” and is turned back into Zac Efron. From there it turns into complete family bullshit with the main character trying to turn his son into a man and keep his daughter from being a slut (That’s a nice gender stereotype double standard there.) while at the same time trying to hook back up with his wife. It sounds pretty pedestrian, but once all the weird incestuous sexual tension gets thrown in there, you’ll actually have something to think about… besides the fact that Efron looks like one of those androgynous heroes from a Japanese RPG.

The film is directed by someone whose name sounds like something a freezing cowboy might say… Burr Steers. To be fair… I wasn’t mad at the directing as much as I was mad at the shitty story, the horrible actors, and the teen pandering that was going on. There’s still nothing redeeming about the direction of this movie, and the fact that Steers reigned in the innate perversity of a dude being able to be 17 again kind of ruins the movie. The second half of the film turns into a steaming pile of blah underneath the expert tutelage of Steers, but it’s a goddamned teen cream flick… what are you going to do?

The cast of this film sucks. These actors should be ashamed of themselves for even appearing in this movie. First off, Zac Efron is 22 years old… how can any human being look at themselves in the mirror and realize they are playing a high school kid when they’re a grown man? Even worse, Zac Efron is fairly gayed out throughout the movie… sporting highlighted hair, tight jeans, and enough makeup to make Mimi from The Drew Carey Show wince. When one of the characters points out that he looks gay, he gets all upset… but uhhh… Zac Efron… don’t you always dress like that?

Matthew Perry really has no excuse for not taking this movie… because ever since Friends ended he has been struggling like a dieting fat chick at a Krispy Kreme. Perry’s large old man forehead and his obvious embarrassment at being in the film are both examples of karmic justice… because Perry has sucked throughout his life. Leslie Mann on the other hand should know better… as should Michelle Trachtenberg… the awesome star of Euro-Trip and the Black Christmas remake.

The worst part about 17 Again is just how stupid it is. Honestly… turn an adult male who has been banging the same chick for 20 years 17 again and you won’t see him going around helping his family. He’s gonna be banging every teen clam he can get his hands on. Get real Hollywood.

Final Synopsis: 17 Again is typical family tripe. Skip it… unless you’re a raging homosexual or a teenage girl with a hard… something… for Zac Efron.

Points Lost: -1 for a shitty story, -1 for Zac Efron not understanding that they basically call him gay in this movie, -1 for Zac Efron, -1 for teenage girls being powerful enough to get movies like this made, -1 for the twentysomethings as teens complex, -1 for Matthew Perry’s forehead, -1 for being an all around shitty movie, -1 for being generic, -1 for Zac Efron looking like a girl

Lesson Learned: Only douche bags ever get turned young again.

Burning Question: What would you do if you were 17 again?

17 Again
2/10

Tags: 2009, burr steers, Collette Wolfe, comedy, family movie, latest movie review, leslie mann, matthew perry, melora hardin, michelle trachtenberg, recent2, teen cream flick, thomas lennon, zac efron, zac efron is a bitch, zac efron looks like a girl