Roland Emmerich must simply hate the world, how else can you explain his strange penchant for wanting to destroy things? Maybe it’s some sort of misplaced rage at all of the negative reviews his movies receive. Or maybe it’s the fact that the only time his films are considered a true success is when he’s destroying the world. Whatever the case, Emmerich’s latest apocalyptic epic is a disaster of huge proportions… literally and figuratively. I can count on one hand the original shit that I saw in 2012, while the rest of the film seems to be a weak composite of Armageddon, War of the Worlds, and Emmerich’s own Independence Day. 2012 is about as original as saying “The sky,” when someone asks you “What’s up?” Of course, you should never say this because it makes you seem like a douche, and Emmerich should never make another disaster movie because it just reinforces the fact that he’s a bad director. It also reinforces the fact that the moviegoing public is composed of easily entertained simpletons who get boners watching CGI aircraft carriers ride on giant waves and destroy historic buildings.

2012 takes advantage of the sort of hysteria we haven’t seen since Y2K. Everywhere, you can find paranoid bastards who are starting to actually listen to this doomsday apocalyptic nonsense. Emmerich’s film posits that there will be a huge sunflare releasing a bunch of neutrinos into space. The neutrinos will reach earth and heat up the earth’s core temperature enough so that the continents will begin to shift. This will create a never-ending wave of earthquakes and tidal waves which will destroy the earth as we know it. After this premise is set up, we are introduced to a bevy of anti-entertaining subplots around the world… most of which will turn into opportunities to see famous shit destroyed. The stories are inconsequential and Emmerich’s film is merely an opportunity to destroy shit. I ain’t mad at that. What I am mad at is the fact that the story is so piss poor and drawn out when it does pop up.

Emmerich’s poorly timed emotional manipulation is the weakest part of the film. Its twists and meanderings are predictable and carried out with all of the skill of a two-year-old trying to tie their shoes. The characters are poorly written, and in many cases, borrowed from other movies… such as the crazy Russian guy (Armageddon), the dad who is so terrible it can only take a worldwide disaster to help him connect with his kids (War of the Worlds), and the scientist with a heart who no one will listen to (Armageddon). I don’t know what is more shameful in this film, the fact that Emmerich borrowed so heavily from other films or the fact that his end product is a mediocre and tedious journey, whose good scenes were all given away in the trailer.

Emmerich shows once again that he is a fucking hack. He’s a smart hack though. He gives the average movie watcher exactly what they want… glorious scenes of destruction that have little to no meaning or point and which won’t leave the viewer feeling jaded or disappointed when they leave the theater. It’s bubblegum disaster action, and it fades from the mind like the latest innocuous pop song to top the Billboard charts. Does that mean it’s good? Nope… just think about some of the shit that was number 1 in the ‘90s. Marky Mark’s Good Vibrations might have reached number one, but that’s a terrible fucking song… and Emmerich’s 2012 will most certainly be number one for a while… but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a dreadful, generic movie.

Emmerich’s cast is another area where the film truly sucks. Of course, all of this is due to the hackneyed and completely corny character design. John Cusack, who let’s face it, isn’t much of a leading man, plows through the film with no subtlety. Cusack doesn’t even seem like he’s human in the movie. His character is that of the stock “divorced dad trying to connect with his kids” ilk. Chiwetel Ejiofor, who typically is fairly good, isn’t allowed to do anything in the film except play the role of doomsayer and voice of humanity. The rest of the cast is inconsequential, despite sporting recognizable names like Amanda Peet, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, and Woody Harrelson. Of course, Danny Glover plays the president… because if there was ever going to be a disaster, it would happen when there was a black president. That’s sarcasm… but you have to wonder why so many dystopic movies and apocalyptic films have chosen to have a black president… subliminal racism perhaps?

Actually, that last statement was the most interesting thought that occurred to me while watching 2012. The rest of the time I was assaulted by a cavalcade of rumbling and giant things falling apart or getting swept away by waves. Of course, every scene that would have normally been entertaining was already shown in the film’s trailer… which was like 2 minutes long… leaving you a good 156 minutes worth of worthless shit.

Most of that shit involves staring at beautifully detailed scenes of CGI destruction. And while Emmerich may be a terrible director with regards to plot, pacing, and character development, you have to admit that he has created some of the most iconic destruction scenes in history. 2012 is no different. The film’s penchant for chaos and annihilation is its one saving grace, and it’s the one thing that will make this film a success. Maybe one day Emmerich will create a movie that has no characters or plot… just scenes of things getting fucked up. On that day, I will declare Emmerich a genius. Until then, he’s just a one-trick pony with all the creativity of an elementary school kid ending their story with the line “It was all just a dream.” Which is sort of what I wish my 2012 experience had been.

Final Synopsis: 2012 sucks. But if you’re a moron, you’re going to love it. The scenes of destruction are wonderful… but you’ve seen them all in the trailer. The only thing left to see is the bloated and bland corpse of the world that Emmerich leaves behind. If you think that’s worth 2 and a half hours of your time, you should probably leave and never come back to this website again… no… seriously… get the fuck out.

Points Lost: -1 for ripping off every other disaster movie, -1 for Emmerich’s anti-pacing, -1 for Emmerich’s anti-character development, -1 for Emmerich’s anti-story telling, -1 for lame characters, -1 for showing the film’s best parts in the trailer, leaving me nothing to enjoy for two and a half hours, -1 for a ridiculously slow start

Lesson Learned: The government knows when the end of the world will be… but they’re not going to tell us.

Burning Question: When will Emmerich make the spectacular hack sequel 2013?

2012
3/10

Tags: 2009, Amanda Peet, apocalyptic, black presidents, cgi destruction, chiwetel ejiofor, danny glover, earthquakes, john cusack, latest movie reviews, mass destruction, Oliver Platt, recent3, recent4, roland emmerich, shitty movies, Thandie Newton, woody harrelson