Tim Burton is amazing… not because he’s a good director, but because he continually does the same thing over and over. Burton is the very definition of a one-trick pony. The Burton formula is as follows: 1. Take something that everyone already loves. 2. Cast Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. 3. Make it dark, full of gothic imagery, and generally emotionless. 4. Have Danny Elfman create a score. 5. Market your piece of shit so much that people think it might actually be good. 6. Collect massive check from the duped masses. 7. Go underground when everyone hates it, until they forget about their rage, and then start over with a new property.

The latest result of this talentless exercise in property bastardization? Alice in Wonderland, a dreadfully boring and tedious film by formula from Tim Burton. While not a remake (technically), Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is a wonderful example of why remakes work. For all intents and purposes, Tim Burton crafted a dark deuce. Yet, it made 116 million dollars on opening weekend. Why? Because of name recognition, marketing, and Tim Burton’s army of emo douches who insist that everything he does is pure genius.

The sad fact is that this movie is god-awful and boring. The film follows Alice as she returns to Wonderland, but with a case of amnesia. Of course, you’ll have to sit through thirty minutes of needless real world background to get there. Once she gets there, cue the CGI as all your old favorite characters are reproduced, only in boring colors, and voiced by actors with stuffy British accents. Alice must learn to remember who she is with the help of Ronald McDonald, a couple of fat asses, and some lame non-sensical humor. And then, once she figures out who she is, she re-enacts that commercial from the Marine Corps where some dude in a suit of armor slays a mythical beast. That’s it… that’s the whole dreadful movie.

Tim Burton doesn’t seem to give a shit anymore. He knows who he is. He knows how to make money, and that’s about it. His formulaic approach to classic-butchering borders on being a serial crime. It’s almost as if he wants to be caught, but no one’s calling him on it. Well, here I am, Burton. I got your motherfuckin’ number! Stop making these atrocities and go back to making actual good movies. Stop slurping the Depp knob, and cast some good actors. Stop making everything look like an emo fantasy land. It was cool the first five times you did it, but now it’s getting old. From here on out, Tim Burton shall be known as Tim the Ripper, because all he does is rip off other movies.

The pacing on this film is terrible, and most people will want to walk out of this movie somewhere around the halfway point. Tone-wise, Tim the Ripper seems to be channeling a melancholy feel, which robs the film of any fun that may have been had. Of course, some assholes will think this shit is great… just mark down who they are and make sure to not listen to their movie recommendations anymore.

The cast is annoying as fuck. This is what would happen if drama people were the rule and not the exception within society. These grandiose fops prance around the screen stinking it up worse than a Burger King bathroom where Ex-Lax milkshakes are served. Johnny Depp is a hack, plain and simple. His re-creation of The Mad Hatter is infuriatingly annoying. I had no idea that the Mad Hatter was supposed to be a gay Ronald McDonald. Nice characterization Depp… and yet, some people will still call him a genius. Helena Bonham Carter is ear-screechingly appalling as The Red Queen. Her stupid big head sucks, and her voice is like having someone shit in your ears for two hours.

I can’t express just how terrible this movie is. There’s no denying that it is an abomination in every way, shape, and form. All you need to know is that Tim the Ripper needs to be stopped. I don’t care how it’s done. I don’t care how much money has to be spent, the man must end. Alice in Wonderland? It’s more like Alice in Blunderland? Oh, God… Tim the Ripper has infected me with hack-itis. Will my next review be a remake of this review? God, I hope not.

Final Synopsis: This CGI spectacle is terrible. It’s not funny, amusing, or interesting. This movie is a skip through and through.

Points Lost: -1 for a fucking lame dance scene involving gay Ronald McDonald, -1 for bad directing, -1 for shitty CGI, -1 for being boring, -1 for Tim Burton’s lame emo imagery, -1 for a shitty story, -1 for re-creating the Marine Corps commercial, -1 for taking too long to actually start the story in the movie, -1 for making everything bland, -1 for the stupid-looking Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, -1 for Helena Bonham Carter, -1 for Johnny Depp… oh shit… that’s a negative 2 score… oh well, Tim the Ripper earned it.

Lesson Learned: I learned how to punish myself for two hours.

Burning Question: Don’t questions require thinking? I can’t think after watching this shit.

Alice in Wonderland
-2/10

Alice in Wonderland (2010) - New DVD Movie Reviews6.6105

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