Avatar (2009) – New DVD Movie Reviews
By The Vocabulariast on Friday, 18th December 2009
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James Cameron’s latest bloated corpse of a movie is a story of a crippled dude who heads off to another planet. On this planet are a bunch of scantily clad natives who live in giant trees. Underneath their sacred tree is a giant deposit of “unobtanium,” a metal that is worth a shitload of paper. In an effort to score this metal, a corporation looks at two different options for getting the natives to move out of their giant tree. The first option is all out war. The second option is to enlist the aid of some scientists and their crackpot avatar idea. Basically, they will have humans link to a giant blue body, strut around the jungle, and win the hearts and minds of the natives… in order to get them to move out.
Our crippled hero, sets about a journey that is fairly similar to Costner’s Dances with Wolves, learning their ways and coming to understand his own ignorance. It isn’t long before ole crippy goes completely native, and finds himself on the wrong side of a war… a war that will have to be won with dragons, blue-tailed freaks, and animals that freakily correspond to the type of animals we have on earth.
The main problem with Avatar is its attempt at epic greatness. Cameron’s film wants to be huge… but it wants to be successful too. Much of the film’s mammoth 2 hour and 42 minute runtime is spent on creating this world called Pandora… a place so bursting with color that it looks like God swallowed a shitload of blacklight paint and vomited all over the planet. Then, on top of that, the majority of the film focuses on relationship building and documenting the tribal natives that inhabit Pandora… turns out they are like Native American elves with the old “affinity for the land” schtick going on. Why it takes a multibillion dollar experimental program to be able to figure this out is beyond me… as it should be pretty obvious by looking at the fact that they live in FUCKING TREES! The end result is like a cross between Return of the Jedi and Costner’s Dance with Wolves.
James Cameron is clearly suffering from pet project-itis with Avatar. It’s painfully obvious that Cameron didn’t want to trim a single frame from this mammoth piece of blandness… and this is part of the reason for it not being as great as it possibly could have. The action elements in the film are slow, and there is little to no actual peril in the film until its final thirty minutes… when Cameron resurrects the whole “person in a giant robot” gag that he pulled off at the end of Aliens. As a matter of fact, the best elements of the movie are things that Cameron cannibalized from Aliens. Everything else is as tiresome as doing push-ups with Rosie O’Donnell sitting on your back.
But who gives a fuck right? This is a goddamn 3-D movie! This is the way of the future! James Cameron’s Avatar is going to revolutionize the movie industry and pave the way for tons more of these movies in the future! If this truly is the case, I suggest we burn down the theaters right now, because if every movie coming out is going to be a special effects-driven piece of family-friendly mediocrity, then I’d just as soon theaters didn’t exist anymore. Some may see this film as revolutionary, while I see it as a harbinger of failures to come. Avatar is going to make its money. It’s going to… there’s no getting around that. Nevermind that the film features a story that is a mishmash of other films, poor character development, and a general distaste for anything offensive or interesting, because people love spectacle. People are like monkeys upon seeing a shiny object. Avatar is shiny as fuck and they want to stare at it… nevermind the fact that it is a gun aimed right at their heads, prepared to turn them into lobotomized simpletons ready to eschew the traditional trappings of the good film… great acting and great storytelling… something which Avatar doesn’t have.
But it does have a shitload of CGI! Woo! CGI. That’s what I’m always saying when I watch a movie. This is great, but I need more CGI. Dump it on the movie like cotton candy covered in maple syrup and infused with a middle comprised of marshmallow fluff and nougat. Put it in my mouth and move my jaw, so I don’t even have to chew it. Thanks Avatar.
I could go into more detail about Avatar, but I don’t want to give it that much respect. I could talk about acting… which is basically all voice-acting and ham-fisted real-world acting. I could talk about the effectiveness of the 3-D effects, but that would be giving them credit as a worthwhile aspect of filmmaking, which it’s not. In the end, the only thing I want to talk about with this movie is “Is Avatar the final horrid transmutation of the Hollywood movies that we all grew up liking and loving?” Can it get any worse?
Final Synopsis: It’s a gimmick film. The story will be good enough for simpletons, and there is some solid imagery in here, but it’s not something you need to go out of your way for… unless you’re a 3-D nut. And if you’re a 3-D nut, you just need to leave the website right now, because you have all the taste of a trailer trash granny who collects Franklin Mint dinner plates.
Points Lost: -1 for being rather bland, -1 for borrowing a lot of shit from Aliens, -1 for being too cartoony, -1 for lame ending, -1 for taking way too long to get going
Lesson Learned: People that live in giant trees are close to nature… imagine that.
Burning Question: Does anyone else think they saw Neytiri’s stinker? I swear I saw it.
Avatar
5/10
Tags: 2009, 3-D, 3-d alien boobs, 3-D movie, action, adventure, cch pounder, CGI, cgi animation, cgi overload, fantasy, giovanni ribisi, james cameron, Joel David Moore, joel moore, lames cameron, latest movie reviews, michelle rodriguez, neytiri's nipples, sam worthington, sigourney weaver, stephen lang, wes studi, zoe saldana
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You’re obviously a CGI-hater which definitely completely ruined the whole experience for you.
Well, let me tell you what you missed.
*) Pure and truly beautiful depiction of an unusual relationship.
*) Fantastically imaginative and (here you have it) FRESH world with all its unusual beauty.
<- These things are pretty much the essence of the film. The essence that people will fall in love with.
Well, it's a shame you missed it.
And as for the question "can it get any worse?"
Uhm…
Heck, yes!
With all those cheap projects going on all around us today, this is actually something to look up at.
And as for myself I am not a 3-D nut. But I've been working with CGI which allows me to appreciate the amount of work that has gone into this feature.
And you obviously can't.
Well.. thats rather sad because it's what this film is all about.
And if you actually saw Neytiri's stinker – why not give one extra star? Oh, wait – it was CGI, wasn't it?
Crap.
Clever name there revolratava… or should I say Avatar Lover? Clearly you didn’t read the part where I said, “unless you’re a 3-D nut. And if you’re a 3-D nut, you just need to leave the website right now, because you have all the taste of a trailer trash granny who collects Franklin Mint dinner plates.”
Since you are an Avatar Lover, your taste is clearly in question. I don’t fault you for liking it. But be honest. It’s only because of the special effects.
The pure and purely beautiful depiction of a beautiful relationship is a ripoff of Dances with Wolves… plain and simple. But I wouldn’t expect you to know that, because that movie had no CGI in it.
The “fantastically and fresh world with all its unusual beauty” is something I already said in the review… I just didn’t praise it to the point where it covers up the herpes sores that are this film’s story and characters.
And no, I don’t appreciate the time that went into creating this movie… because all that time and money could have been spent making five good movies, instead of feeding fatass CGI fuckers who sit at their computers all day animating blue stinkers.
2 The Vocabularist: I see you lacked depth of independent thought just like the reviewer. Anyone can look for any reason to slam a movie, pretty much majority of Oscar Winners before the new millennium were nothing but glorified snore fest. You and the reviewer missed everything this film did very well. That doesn’t shock me because the red state remedials that I have the misfortune of having to live amongst totally missed it as well. And have you ever thought that Dances With Wolves is a pretty old movie and the 20 something and younger crowd just may have missed it, and even if they do know about it are most likely not very interested in it, CGI or not. Which by your mention point out another thing Cameron was able to do very well in this film with Jake Sully and Neytiri. Both you and the original reviewer’s “OPINION’S” are asinine at best. I’m sure the world wide box office numbers are disagreeing with you both. But your type is nothing new, in thinking that it’s you who’s got it right, and it’s something wrong with the rest of the world. I even read another uninformative review talk about the “underlysing” messages in the movie. UNDERLYING? There was nothing abstract, hidden, or underlying about the message in this movie at all. It was up front in your face. What it boiled down to is the character Jake Sully grew a conscious and would rather be on the side of peace, righteousness, and camaraderie, as a Na’vi than chaos, conquest, and evil as a human.
It was enough humans had already killed their own mother (Earth) and was now pillaging and plundering Pandora for it’s natural resources and in the process wouldn’t stop until it had doomed it to the same fate as they had Earth. They just imposed their will upon the Na’vi, want them to go to schools to learn english, and live the human way of life ON THEIR PLANET without stopping to think that if this happen their planet would end up the debacle the humans made of Earth.
Lastly the film depicted when you try to impose your will on others be ready for very fierce opposition. If you want what belong to others and the way you decide to get is to just take it by force, be well ready for the opposition to defend it by equal if not greater force. After all that, the Na’vi could’ve easily enslaved or executed the humans, but they simply expelled them from the planet and sought no retribution.
Somehow the reviewer think that if you absorbed all this from the movie instead of his shallow synopsis you’re deemed a simpleton. But I guess maybe it’s a movie critic’s job to stretch to be an asshole (the way he went on about Neytiri’s stinker) than to actually give a honest, informative, and in depth analysis. Which if that’s what sought to do he failed miserably as did you.
Well riceroni, or should I say the San Francisco Treat… it’s clear that you have your head up your ass and have no idea what you are talking about. Your first line itself is asinine enough for me to dismiss all of your statements. The Vocabulariast… and the reviewer… are one and the same. I hate when morons get computers. Also, your English leaves a little bit to be desired. Please practice… also don’t be a hypocrite. Also, practice that English some more. Take your father’s dick out of your mouth long enough to proofread next time.
Vocabulariast you’ve proven yourself a real fucktard. The one thing you’ve definitely dismissed is the fact that James Cameron is a billionaire Hollywood heavyweight and what the fuck are you? Some fucking experiment in artificial stupidity that escaped from it’s cage while the lab techs were out. You and your sorry ass bullshit review are as big of a waste of bandwidth and bytes of space as there is on the net. A fucking imbecile like you insulting my English is taken as a compliment for sure. I’d tell you the same about your father, but that would be moot cause you don’t know who the fuck he is, seeing as you’re nothing but a complete was of some John’s jizz.
Uh oh… The San Francisco treat is getting saucy. You know who else is a billionaire Hollywood heavyweight? Michale Bay. The next thing your going to tell me is that he’s a true genius too. I like James Cameron, he’s a smart guy… but Avatar is mediocre… much like your pedantic rantings.
By the way, you’re last line makes no sense and needs editing… for the last time, take your daddy’s cock out of your mouth and proofread. Your mom has very large nipples.
I don’t have anything to say about Michael Bay wise or otherwise, even though I thought Transformers was pretty cool. But your OPINION about Avatar is exactly that… YOUR OPINION, which you can take and stick up your ass with the rest of furry little animals you have in there.
And just because your sub-standard intellect fail to comprehend what I’m saying and my analogies go right over head and you “DUH! Just don’t get it” doesn’t mean it makes no sense. It simply mean you’re a fucking dumb idiot.
This argument ended when you said, “I thought Transformers was pretty cool.” But I admire your persistence, San Francisco Treat. But ummm… you haven’t made a single analogy in all of your rantings. Also, I see that you didn’t contradict my statement about your mother’s nipples… which means that it’s true, and your mom has dinner plate-size nipples.
Man… the syntax of your sentences is downright frightening. Maybe if you didn’t spend all your time getting bullied by people who actually know what a good movie is, you’d develop some adequate language structures. Then again, it’s hard to get good at something when you spend all day staring at your mom’s saucer-sized nipples while sucking on your dad’s cock… Avatard.
That’s the problem with moronic fucktards like you. You actually think your “OPINION” is absolute and that’s all there is. You ever thought about your idea of a good movie just may not be someone else idea of what a good movies is. By the way dickwad if it make you feel better or smarter that you have to keep feeding yourself bullshit about the quality of my writing being so inadequate, knock yourself out. But your own have so many grammatical crimes, if there was a linguistics police you’d get the death penalty.
I see you don’t mind being so open about your family life, but really I don’t give a shit that you suck your dad/grandfather’s cock, and your mom/sister is still breast feeding you. With all that incest and inbreeding that explains why your such a retarded asshat.
I love how you’re bashing my “opinion” because your “opinion” is different. Does that not strike you as a little hypocritical? Do you understand that word?
I can see why you like Transformers and Avatar though. I suppose any film that actually has proper syntax and correct verb conjugation must seem God-like to you.
By the way, if you didn’t spend so much time wanking it on message boards, your insults wouldn’t consist of vocabulary that only 5-year-olds find clever. Seriously… asshat? Is that the best you got? Are you going to call me “fucking clown shoes” next? Are you going to pull out the phrase “epic fail” and call me a “noob?” Get off of the computer, and get out in the real world. There are plenty of other cocks out there to suck… besides your dad/mom’s. See how weak that last insult was? That’s an example of what you just did. Pretty sad, isn’t it?
Are you as eloquent in your own language? Let’s here some of that.
By the way, thank you for your continued patronage, it helps pay the bills… you know all those bills I have for buying food for the donkey that rams your mom in the pink spots every night, while I charge $5 bucks per head. You wouldn’t believe how many carrots a donkey needs to eat after spending five hours banging your mom’s cavernous box. Did you pop out of that thing full size or what?
actually, I agree with the reviewer. I thought it was a cross between Dances with Wolves, and Star Wars. The story was another “the wise natives vs. the rapacious humans”. Nevertheless, Wolves andWars had far better stories, and acting. Maybe they could’ve gotten Kevin Costner. There were some interesting visuals, but I didn’t think the 3D added all that much. Titanic kicks ass compared to this, and so does Aliens and Terminator. The old geezer marine could’ve been GI Joe’s dad. I get Netflix, and I just got some X-Files (3rd season), and Fellini Satyricon (which I’ve seen 3 times). Speaking of cheesefest- how about 2012!
I take offense to that statement. I thought asshat was funny and figured I’d pilfer and use it in an upcoming review.
I’m sure if there are plenty of cocks out there to suck, you’d be the connoisseur on the activity. As far as you being an asshat, I simply call’em like I see’em. Fucking clown shoes? Now it really take the mind (or lack of one) of a fucktarded assclown to come up with something that lame. But again, your stupidity has reached a new low for the world to stand in awe of, as it’s hard to fathom you getting any dumber, but you do with each word you speak.
Since you brought it up “epic fail” would be your review. But hey, I don’t mind throwing tip in you tin cup. “Out in the real world” where I do business is a place that stretches beyond what your very limited cerebral ability could even begin to muster. What I make in quarterly taxes alone would easily rent a chimp brained turd like you. In fact I’ll look you up when I get a leash and an organ grinder. I’m sure you’d make much more currying pity in your true habitual setting than posting hair brained, lame ass OPNIONATED reviews.
By the way, you didn’t have to put your mom’s business out like that. If she fucks donkeys that’s her business. I know you’re jealous of that donkey, getting all your action and beating you out big time by dwarfing your (lack of) manhood. But you know PETA will be on your ass if you touch him. After you mom took box of Ex-Lax, and drunk a gallon of Metamucil you slipped right on out, even sideways you didn’t cause that gaping canyon of hers any stress. By the way…. Go fuck yourself! How’s that for proper syntax?
wait… does that mean I can’t use asshat in an upcoming review?
ricearoni? isn’t that the san francisco treat?
it was. they’re changing their image.
i haven’t seen this movie yet. everyone tells me to go see it and i probably will because i too, like james cameron as a director. piranha 2 is the shit bitches!! honestly though, i think his latest film looks like the same-old story we’ve seen a hundred times, only with new and improved effects. color me not impressed or overly interested. shiny new cgi does not a good movie make.
@ Bobby Bless – LOL!! Yes you may. To be honest I have no ill will towards good’ol Vocabulariast, actually a good round of snaps is fun every once in a while. I actually laughed at some of the stuff he said and took none of it personally. Please post the link when you do use “asshat” I’d like to see how creative you can get with it. (LOL!!)
@ spang – Yep, it is the San Francisco treat. Actually I got that name in high school. Even though I was a cornerback Jerry Rice was my favorite player, and any football fan know he definitely was “the San Francisco treat”. I was defensive back with the hands of a wide receiver. I even wanted to wear #80, but our school enforced the NFL jersey numbering rules. But that’s how I got that nick, from being such a rabid fan of his. I used on the internet for the first time back in 1997 and it just kinda stuck. By the way, when you do catch Avatar go see it in IMAX 3D that’s the shit for real.
Glad to see I have a new fan. Giving each other shit is what we’re all about. Even though you have terrible taste in movies, can’t write a lick, and like the 49ers, you’re ok in my book. I still hate the word asshat, but it’s probably because of all those damn dumbasses that use it. Stick around Riceroni, you might learn some stuff. Join the forum while you’re at it, but remember to shoot me an email so I can approve your account, or else you won’t be able to type shit.
LOL!! Will do Vocabulariast, and I was a “Jerry Rice” fan more than a 49ers fan, but I was glad when he/they were winning Superbowls. Here’s one for you to have some fun with….. Am I sick or were those Na’vi women kinda hot? (Zoe Saldana is hot by default anyway)
3-D nipple hunting was the only thing that kept me from falling asleep… that and uncomfortable 3-D glasses.
ok, so I worked “asshat” in to the The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus review… not only that but I also worked in “epic”, “Dancing Dude” and Corky from “Life Goes On”.
i loved avatar but it is a little more toward the girly type of movie and thats probably why the vocabulariast doesnt like it and thats ok cuz just cuz u hate it doesnt mean i wont love it any less