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It’s a fucked up world we live in, and all you have to do to figure that out is realize that this movie actually claimed the number one spot at the box office the week it debuted. Forget for a second the hundreds of assholes that showed up to see a movie with talking Mexican stereotypes, and just think about the concept of making a movie with talking animals. Why? Why would you make a movie with talking animals? Because the fucking story you’re telling has been done to death in so many other films that you decide to recycle a stale plot and make it fresh by getting celebrities to voice a bunch of dogs. Kids love dogs. Lonely assholes love dogs. George W. Bush loves dogs. Basically everyone you don’t like loves dogs and wants to see them talk.

Of course, no one stops to ask themselves what dogs would actually say if they could talk. It certainly wouldn’t be some cheap moralistic love story about learning to accept people from other cultures and classes. It would probably go something like this:

Dog #1: What did you do today?

Dog #2: I licked my ballbag… boy were they tasty. Mmmm, mmmmm, can’t get enough of licking my own balls.

Dog #1: I know what you mean… hey… can I lick your balls?

Dog #2: No… but you can sniff my ass for five minutes until our owner smacks us for being gay.

Dog #1: Gee… that sounds swell, Spot. Bring that anus over here! I’m gonna sniff it!

Now obviously, this isn’t the type of movie that most parents would take their kids to, because having kids inherently turns you into a prudish cockbag that lives under the assumption that children can be protected from words like “anus” and “ballbag.” Instead they get to take their kids to shit like Beverly Hills Chihuahua… the tale of a stuck up bitch Chihuahua that gets separated from her spoiled, racist, and completely worthless owner while in Mexico. After navigating the streets avoiding nefarious Mexican stereotypes (supposedly acceptable because these stereotypes are applied to dogs instead of human actors), the prissy chihuahua’s blue-collar landscaper Chihuahua love interest comes to rescue her, despite the fact that she wouldn’t give him the time of day when she was lounging around the pool. As you can guess, everything turns out alright. No one gets knocked up and there is plenty of doggie style sex… assumedly.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua is about as good as any film with the word “Beverly Hills” in the title…think Troop Beverly Hills, Beverly Hills Ninja, and Beverly Hills Cop. Yeah… that means it’s ass for anyone that uses more than 1% of their brain on a day to day basis. Families will eat this shit up, but families are the bane of the intelligent man or woman’s existence.

I’m going to end this review now… I didn’t think that I would have that much to say about this film. I’m impressed with myself. You may notice that there’s not much analysis going on in this review, but honestly, if you’re looking for a review of this movie, you should take yourself to a park, line a slide with 40 grit sandpaper, and slide down it naked and on your stomach. Repeat until your genitals are sanded off, so that the human race doesn’t get any more pathetic than it already is. Seriously, this is number one at the box office… and we wonder why this country is experiencing financial and energy crises.

Final Synopsis: It’s called Beverly Hills Chihuahua… and it’s full of talking dogs. Don’t watch it.

Points Lost: -1 for stupid stereotypes, -1 for making society stupid, -1 for a terrible plot, -1 for being boring as fuck, -1 for a lame moralistic tale, -1 for not being funny, -1 for a shitty title

Lesson Learned: When dogs talk, they have the accents of the place they live in. Stephen Hawking’s dog sounds like a robot.

Burning Question: Can we euthanize all Chihuahuas? Is there a more worthless dog?

Beverly Hills Chihuahua
3/10

Tags: 2008, andy garcia, CGI, cheech marin, comedy, drew barrymore, edward james olmos, family, george lopez, jamie lee curtis, latest movie review, luis guzman, paul rodriguez, piper perabo, raja gosnell, recent, shitty movies, talking animals