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Cemetery Man, which is also widely known by the title Dellamorte Dellamore, is a quirky film from director Michele Soavi (The Church, The Sect). Soavi’s film has gained a large cult following, owing no doubt in part to the floppy milk jugs and saucer-sized nipples of Anna Falchi who plays several roles throughout the film. Soavi may also be helped by the faux deep aesthetic that runs through many of his films, setting up scenes as if they were paintings and giving the viewer the impression that there is something deeper and groundbreaking going on in his films. After several viewings, Cemetery Man is just another arthouse flick with pretentious imagery and a simplistic theme involving love and death that is handled like a goth kid’s wet dream. It’s easy to understand why the followers of this movie are so die hard, but to say it’s anything special or capable of universal appeal would be an extreme overstatement.

The film is about a dude named Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett), an apathetic cemetery caretaker whose only friend is a dude named Gnaghi, a drooling simpleton who has a pedophilic streak running through his great sloppy bulk. In addition to helping oversea the upkeep of the cemetery grounds, Dellamorte musty also periodically put bullets in the brains of the cemetery’s residents as they are resurrected seven days after being buried. Dellamorte struggles to find his place in the world, falling in love with the same girl over and over in her different incarnations and ruining every such opportunity at love that he has. The love story portion of the film is weak at best and smacks of teenage angst in an uncomfortably immature manner. The zombie portions of the film are awesome and keep the movie from being a complete waste of time.

Michele Soavi is a talented visionary capable of putting some beautiful shit on screen, but he has yet to tell a quality story. The imagery that Soavi puts together is memorable but free of any real depth other than the tainted and clichéd contrast between life and death or the lack thereof. The pacing in the film leaves something to be desired and much of the humor that Soavi attempts to infuse his movie with falls flat. Add to this some noticeably cheap special effects such as floating flames, that are supposed to be spirits or some shit, but are clearly just floating balls on wires, and you’ve got a decidedly ambitious film that was in need of a rewrite.

The acting in the film is surprisingly good, when Soavi isn’t pussing up the movie with bland tableau and artistic vision and preventing the actors from doing their job. Rupert Everett (Stardust, Shrek 3) is interesting and deep as Francesco Dellamorte, giving the character a genuine feeling of apathy and depression that carries the film a long way. Anna Falchi (Celluloid, Snowball) is hot as the floppy breasted temptress that tortures the downbeat Dellamorte, but she’s not really that great of an actor. I also suspect she has quite a large bush… just a feeling I’ve got. Francois Hadji-Lazaro plays the most annoying character, a kind of retarded Curly from the Three Stooges that acts as Dellamorte’s friend and confidant. Hadji-Lazaro could easily be cut from the film as his subplot is indeed sickening and his overall role in the film creates a weak ending that is just plain stupid.

Cemetery Man is an overrated piece of tripe that has some cool moments in it, including a bunch of head shots, saucer-sized nipples, a car crash, a singing head, motorcycle riding zombies, flesh devouring, and even a rainbow shower. In the end, the cool stuff is spread too thin and the heart of the movie is unable to keep up with the wackiness of the more humorous moments in the film. Come for the special effects and the breasts, but fast forward through the lame internal conflict of Dellamorte’s bitch ass character.

Final Synopsis: Soavi’s film is weak and gets way more credit than it deserves. There are some cool moments and after the first half hour one will find themselves thinking they have found a gem able to compete with the likes of Dead Alive in terms of quirkiness, but the film gets bogged down by its own self-importance and Soavi’s penchant for empty tableau masquerading as high art. It’s worth a watch if you like boobs and exploding heads, but you probably won’t be buying this anytime soon.

Points Lost: -1 for pretentiousness, -1 for lame theme, -1 for being boring, -1 for being about as deep as those two goth kids with the cable access show on Saturday Night Live, -1 for visible wires on some special effects, including floating flames and flies, -1 for Gnaghi, played by Hadji-Lazaro

Lesson Learned: Don’t get buried in a cemetery called Resurrection Cemetery. Don’t pay whores, just burn them up. Then you get to keep your money.

Burning Question: Besides the gore, why do people like this film so much?

Cemetery Man
4/10

Tags: 1994, anna falchi, cult classic, erotic, foreign, foreign horror, horror, horror movie, italian, latest movie reviews, michele soavi, nudity, recent, rupert everett, zombie, zombies