I’ve always felt like Neil Marshall’s Doomsday ended on a resounding tone of unfinished business. The odd switch from post-apocalyptic dystopia to medieval period piece is perhaps one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen in a movie. Neil Marshall must have thought so too, because he decided to make a straight up period piece as his follow-up to Doomsday. If only he had known he was going to do that before he made Doomsday, then the second half of that film wouldn’t be so damn goofy.

Marshall’s Centurion is a somewhat pedestrian tale about a legion of Roman soldiers rocking out with their cocks out at the edge of the Roman Empire in what is now Britain. The Roman’s are having problems with a group of warrior tribesman called the Picts, who get wood for fighting guerilla style battles and collecting heads. One day, the awesome General Virilus is commanded to take his legion and follow some Pict guide to kill the leader of the Picts, Gorlacon. It’s the whole “kill the head and the rest of the snake will follow” routine. But along the way, they are ambushed, and seven survivors are left to check out the aftermath. They sneak into the Pict camp in order to try and save their general, but while doing so, one of the soldiers accidentally kills the Pict leader’s kid. Then, for the rest of the movie they must run from savage dingleberries covered in blue face paint. For the most part, Marshall’s story is rather ordinary and dreary, which is somewhat surprising.

Neil Marshall, who I generally respect as a director, simply isn’t up to the task of a giant period piece. His understanding of natural environments pales in comparison to his ability to use claustrophobic environments such as the inside of a farmhouse, a cave, or even the insides of a dilapidated city. When the world is wide open for Marshall, it’s almost as if he doesn’t know what to do, which creates generic imagery. Creative imagery is the one thing that Neil Marshall’s best films rely upon. The use of lighting is minimal and the film looks ugly, grainy, and uninspiring. Just as with Doomsday, the first half of Centurion rocks. Why? Because Marshall films the characters in enclosed environments where the lighting is controlled, the sets can be dressed, and the characters have natural things to interact with. Once those characters are unleashed into nature, all they are doing is running and hiding for 45 minutes, which is pretty damn boring.

The cast of the film is solid, but the characters are piss-poor and uninteresting. Our fearless leader by default, Quintus Dias is generic as hell. His overblown narration is neither interesting nor welcome. The rest of the legion survivors are about as interesting as pond water… you’re going to have to grab a microscope to see any life. Even the bad guys have little to do here. Olga Kurylenko is made-up to look like some tribal freak… but she winds up looking like the sexy punk chick in Doomsday. Her character has some piss-and-moan backstory, but it’s never really developed because Marshall has decided that this deadly tracker can’t speak… and apparently neither can any of her warrior friends.

As bad as I’m making the film out to be, it is still Neil Marshall, and the good news is that Marshall brings his typical savagery to the bloody affairs of mutilation and warfare. The sheer amount of maimings and deaths in the first forty minutes is outstanding. But, like a 70-year-old dude on Viagra, he just can’t keep up the pace. I’m still bewildered by the fact that Marshall, in two movies now, has frontloaded the films with all the violence and good stuff, and then turned the second half of his films into generic moments of random fisticuffs and duels. Of course, even when the red stuff is flowing, some people will be turned off by the unnatural CGI hue of the blood, and its physics defying properties. Honestly, bright red blood explodes out of people like when you used to jump on ketchup packets in middle school. Not all of the effects pieces are this way, but enough of them to make a dent on the film’s overall score.

Personally, I would like to see Marshall go back to the world of Doomsday, strip out the medieval bullshit, and just create something that doesn’t fuck around so much. Will that ever happen? I don’t know, but he needs to stop with this medieval nonsense, as he’s really not that great at it. Centurion is a nice try, but definitely a missed opportunity.

Final Synopsis: This isn’t nearly as good as I expect from Neil Marshall. It’s not terrible, it just lacks heart and the basic things needed to make a good story. Sadly, this is a skip.

Points Lost: -1 for a crappy story, -1 for not being able to take advantage of the environments with the characters, -1 for a complete lack of interesting characters, -1 for using Olga Kurylenko poorly, -1 for the entire second half of the film

Lesson Learned: Watching people run through snow… it’s a lot less interesting than it probably sounded on paper.

Burning Question: How are these Picts running their horses up the side of mountains and waterfalls?

Centurion
5/10

Tags: 2010, action, adventure, brutality, david morrissey, dominic west, jj feild, latest movie reviews, michael fassbender, neil marshall, noel clarke, olga kurylenko, period piece, swords and sandals, ulrich thomsen, ultra-violence