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After the success of Conan the Barbarian, Universal decided to go back and make another, Conan the Destroyer. This one, as stated in the previous review, is perceived as a lighter, more kid-friendly take on the Conan mythos. The truth is that Conan the Destroyer is the weaker film, but, it’s one of those awesomely bad movies.

In this film, Conan starts out as the “King of Thieves.” He is captured by these soldiers that bring him to the douche-bag queen. The queen basically tells Conan that he has to serve as a protector to her virgin niece while she is on a quest to find a jewel encrusted horn (after getting the horn, the horn is to be placed in the forehead of a statue and her niece is to be killed), which looks like a jewel encrusted dildo. Believing that after seeing Conan, her niece is going to turn into a cock craving whore, the queen sends along a guy named Bombaata (played by the one and only, Wilt Chamberlain) to protect that little vagina.

During their venture, the group picks up other people; Mako returns as the wizard from the first film and Grace Jones, who plays some warrior chick that wears a thong and wields a stick. Once the group is complete, they continue their long trek to find this jewel encrusted dildo. Whilst on this trek they, meaning mostly Conan, battle a crazy Mirror Monster, some of the queen’s soldiers (including a wizard) and a final battle with a poorly crafted God Monster.

Looking at the film from a regular standpoint, Conan the Destroyer isn’t as good as Conan the Barbarian. The lighter, more kid-friendly approach hurts the movie in the sense that the movie went from being a fantasy epic to a comedic movie. There are some of the most random gratuitous muscle shots in the world in this movie, but, since it’s an Arnold movie, it’s expected. The acting is still shit, but, for some reason, this time around it gives off a vibe that everyone knew that it was going to be shit and decided to just have some fun with it. The effects and make up are better, that is until the God Monster, than they were in the first one. The writing definitely isn’t as good as the first one, but, it doesn’t seem like they were trying to actually top the first one anyway.

Conan the Destroyer is definitely the lesser of the two movies, but, it’s a great awesomely bad movie. Going into this film, they knew that it wasn’t going to be as good as the first one, but still decided to go with it and have some fun.

Final Synopsis: The movie is bad, but, it’s an awesome bad.

Points Lost: -1 for taking a lighter tone. -1 for making it a comedy. -1 for the lame final monster. -1 for the one muscle shot that makes you stare at Arnold’s codpiece.

Lesson Learned: In the 80’s a movie that had scantly clad women, throat slashings and numerous stabbings is considered kid-friendly.

Burning Question: How many women do you think Wilt fucked during the making of this movie?

Conan the Destroyer
6/10

Tags: 1984, action, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fantasy, Grace Jones, latest movie reviews, Mako, Olivia d'Abo, recent, Richard Fleischer, Robert E. Howard, Wilt Chamberlain