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With the first Crank movie apparently tanking at the box office, there was no guarantee that Lionsgate was going to have to balls to produce a sequel. Luckily, since Lionsgate just doesn’t give a shit anymore, the dudes that made the first film, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, were given $12.5 million bucks (which is $500,000 more than the first) and the green light to continue the story of Chev Chelios. Because of this, Crank: High Voltage was made and is now basking its audiences in all its awesome glory.

Do we really have to go through the plot for this movie? Seriously, come on, this film could simply be described as a movie that has Chev Chelios (Statham) running around for an hour and a half, beating the shit out of people and fucking Amy Smart’s magical vagina to stay alive. Well, at least, that’s the synopsis for the movie in my head… and, honestly, that’s all you really need to know about this film.

Ah, but since I’m a responsible movie cynic, I might as well give you the gist of the film. Crank: High Voltage, which starts out with an awesome 8-bit videogame recap of the finale of Crank, takes places three months after the original film. Some Chinese goons have kidnapped Chev so that their doctors can transplant his heart, which is apparently indestructible, into their boss Poon Dong (David Carradine). To keep the blood flowing in his body, because they look to harvest other pieces of Chev’s body, the doctors put an artificial heart into Chev. Unbeknownst to them, Chev wakes up and sees that the next body part they plan on harvesting is his pecker… Chev isn’t too fond of this idea, beats the shit out of them and sets out to get his heart back. That’s the movie. Are you happy now?

The beauty of the Crank movies is that they aren’t supposed to be taken seriously. Neveldine and Taylor make it their duty to craft movies that are idiotic and hilarious to watch. With this one, they are able to match the awesomeness of the first one and in some cases, stealing a line from Extreme Movie here, are able to take this movie to the next level. The best parts of Crank: High Voltage have to be Statham’s return to awesomeness after making a bunch of shit in between the Cranks and the plethora of cameos that are in this movie… cameos coming from Corey Haim, Chester Bennington, Jenna Haze, Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele, Maynard James Keenan, Danny Lohner, Geri Halliwell, Keith Jardine and the one and only, Lloyd Kaufman. Well, those and the extremely retarded, yet hilarious moment when the movie turns Chev and a dude he’s chasing into giant versions of themselves fighting in a tiny power plant.

Crank: High Voltage suffers from two problems that keep it from topping the first Crank film. The first problem, which was an issue in the first movie, is the special effects. Case in point, there is one instance when Chev climbs a telephone pole and grabs the transformer at the top to charge his heart… the result is Chev blasting away from said transformer in a rag doll like fashion. The other problem comes from Bai Ling’s character. Even though she is funny, her character starts to get annoying after a while.

The movie almost matches the awesomeness of the first film and, in some cases manages to take it to the next level, but Crank: High Voltage still suffers from some problems that prevents it from topping the awesomeness that was the original Crank.

Final Synopsis: This movie is awesome. Check it out so Lionsgate will get behind the third one.

Points Lost: -1 for some crappy special effects, -1 for the annoying Bai Ling character.

Lesson Learned: Never fuck with Chev Chelios.

Burning Question: Could Amy Smart’s vagina cure cancer?

Crank: High Voltage
8/10

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