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The Curse of Alcatraz is billed as the last movie ever filmed on Alcatraz… as if that’s interesting to anyone. The film is about a group of forensic archeologists who are summoned to Alcatraz after some mysterious remains are discovered in a sealed room in Alcatraz. The corpse is strange, has filed teeth, and apparently Native American. One of the dumbasses that finds the body cuts his hand on one of the teeth of the well-preserved corpse, and unwittingly unleashes a virus that turns people into bloodthirsty maniacs. The film is kind of silly and I’m really tired of seeing “ancient Native American” curses in horror movies.

The film is directed by Daniel Zirilli who does some things well, but, overall, he is a little lacking in the director department. Zirilli manages to capture some interesting imagery and scenery, mostly thanks to the unique character of Alcatraz and not due to any real skill. The film is rather bland and moves at a sluggish pace. The last half of the film picks it up a little bit, but most viewers will be lucky to make it that far without falling asleep. Zirilli also falls short in the gore department, as much of the film cuts away from any actual acts of violence and merely cuts to an aftermath scene. There’s nothing quite as disappointing in a horror movie as staring at some dude act surprised and then watching a jump cut to a guy lying on the floor covered in movie blood. It just doesn’t do it for me.

The acting in the film is bad in some parts and ok in others. None of the characters are particularly well-developed or likable, so there isn’t much to work with as far as acting goes. Joe Jones, who plays Dr. Michael Hauser, actually seems out of place among the amateurish cast, and while he has some skill, he isn’t necessarily groundbreaking or inspiring. Jose Solano is easily the worst actor in the cast. He plays a scientist in a wheelchair that spends his screen time stuttering and whining in an unbelievable manner. His scenes are hard to watch, even for a low-budget film.

The end of this movie is utterly terrible and you can tell that the director and the writer had absolutely nowhere to go with the story. It’s as if the people behind the movie put in a permit to film at Alcatraz, never thinking that it would actually come through for them, and then when it did, they sat down one night with a half-gallon of Potters charcoal-filtered vodka, some Reese’s Pieces, and a “How to Make a Clichéd, Bland Horror Movie Handbook.” The last scenes of the movie are rather laughable, and the film falls apart as it shows that, yes, it is trying to take itself seriously.

Final Synopsis: For a low-budget film, this movie isn’t terrible; it’s just boring. Nothing in the movie was interesting, and I fell asleep a few times trying to watch this. If you’re into imagery of Alcatraz, the film is alright, but as a horror movie, there is much better stuff out there. Skip this movie.

Points Lost: -1 for the dreaded “stunt boobies,” -1 for being boring, -1 for clichéd Native American curse angle, -1 for some bad acting, -1 for cutting away from the gore, -1 for the terrible ending of the film, -1 for some plot holes, -1 for another Latino playing a Native American… and she’s a reject from the Survivor reality show

Lesson Learned: Don’t spy on chicks taking their shirts off, or you’ll get strangled with barb wire.

Burning Question: Is anyone else tired of seeing Latino actresses playing Native Americans? If this keeps happening people aren’t going to believe someone is Native American unless they have a Spanish accent.

The Curse of Alcatraz
2/10

Tags: 2007, daniel zirilli, ghost, ghost movie, horror, horror movie, indie, latest movie reviews, low-budget, prison movie, recent, shitty movies, supernatural