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I wanted to like this movie… I really did. I wanted to see the rebirth of one of the greatest horror icons of the ‘80s… instead, all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Scratch that… they didn’t even give me a t-shirt, all they gave me was a moronic slasher filled with boobs, blood, bongs, and beer. I know what you’re thinking. “What’s wrong with that?” you’re probably asking yourself. The problem is that this movie is like the glitz version of a Friday the 13th film. While it takes all the elements that made the original films so great, it misses out on the spirit of the original films. They were actually fun and not torturous to sit through, as opposed to this film.

While none of the earlier Friday the 13th films can be mistaken for high art, they did manage to thrill and entertain… and not pander to high school douche bags with largely pointless scenes of nudity, people getting wasted, and excessive duderism. This film plays out like a frat boy’s version of a Friday the 13th flick and not a film that has any resonance with the fans that kept this franchise afloat for shitty sequel after shitty sequel. It has more in common with a stinker like House of Wax than it does with an actual Friday film.

Director Marcus Nispel proves that he is one hell of a hack. He basically takes his directorial formula from The Texas Chainsaw Remake and lays it over the skeletal remains of a stock Friday the 13th story. There’s no depth, no reverence for the character, but simply one hack director’s attempts to satisfy the high school demographic and make some cash. While Nispel’s direction is adequate at times, it’s clear that he has no grasp of how to handle characterization or humor within the framework of a slasher film. The sad part is that he actually keeps trying for a good hour of the film, which becomes painstakingly laborious to sit through.

It’s not all bad as Nispel does have an amazing grasp of how to frame some violent and brutal deaths. Jason Voorhees looks cool as hell and Nispel does a great job of making him a fucking monstrous beast… when he is actually on screen. When he’s not on screen, Nispel resorts to lame jump scares and pointless scenes of people playing beer pong to keep the movie going. It’s kind of like if you were laying in your bed with full on wood, while a group of hot naked chicks were hanging out in the living room talking about giving you the world’s fastest handjob. Then one comes in, furiously strokes the veiny monkey tail for thirty seconds and then departs. Then you hear them discussing for fifteen minutes who is going to go in next. You kind of just want the best one to stick around for a while and finish the job instead of teasing you… you also want them to put some lotion on or something.

The other thing that Nispel has a grasp on is how to fully degrade his female actresses by putting in them random scenes of nudity. You’ve got three chicks who get naked in this film. One girl shows off her boobs next to a campfire. One chick decides to go water skiing topless… which is probably not that great of an idea if you eat it. Then the final chick decides to romp the shit out of some dude that looks like a bleach blonde, more muscular version of Tom Cruise… who I like to refer to as Malibu Cruise. You do have to hand it to the casting department as they manage to cover a variety of different boob types. You’ve got fake leather boobs, a nice set of perky nats, and a set of jiggly pale nats complete with tanlines. While this a minus for some… it’s probably a bonus for others… mainly people who can’t get laid and smell like a bum’s nutsack half the time.

The writing on this film is miserable. If someone showed up and handed me this script, I’d hand it to a hemorrhoidal leper to wipe his ass with. The jokes and “clever” dialogue feels like it was written by a ball-busting message board troll. No one in the theater laughed… no one even smiled. There was simply tons of awkward silence… which was actually a blessing after a while, because the film would probably have been better as a silent flick. But then how would you be scared by super loud sound effects? You wouldn’t… which would have been a bonus.

The only thing great about this film is Jason himself and the fact that he kills the fuck out of people. Derek Mears is a perfect Jason, and other than the second and third Friday the 13th films, he is the best in a long while. Mears oozes danger as the retarded madman and he pulls off the role excellently. Jason is played without humor or gimmickry and the ways he kills people is no-nonsense brilliance, designed to make you feel uncomfortable rather than make you laugh, unlike the later the films in the series.

The gore effects in the film are fairly solid. There was one shitty moment of CGI involving a hatchet and someone’s chest, but most of the effects were practical and blood-drenched. Still, the amount of off camera kills or quick cuts that obscured the gory glory, is kind of off-putting.

Thankfully, by the middle of the film, the kills kick into high gear and are shown in all their gory excess.
It’s not the best Friday the 13th flick out there, but it is the best looking. That’s gotta count for something right? If you’re a fanboy, you’ll love this shit, but I could put a hockey mask on and go “Ch, ch, ch, ha, ha, ha,” and you’d probably crap yourself with joy in that case. If you’re looking for a great degree of technical expertise and solid writing in a slasher flick (which I’ve been dreaming of for years), then this is not the film for you.

Final Synopsis: This is a must see (despite the low rating) for fans of the Friday the 13th series. For everyone else, ask yourself if you liked the TCM remake. If you did, you can check this out and only be slightly disappointed. If you hated it, you’ll hate this one more.

Points Lost: -1 for craptacular writing, -1 for a crappy group of kids, -1 for terrible humor, -1 for off camera kills at the beginning of the movie, -1 for to slasher films what Extreme was to the metal scene

Lesson Learned: Jason could been the Michael Phelps of the Special Olympics.

Burning Question: Is this the most famous retard in movie history? Don’t even say Forrest Gump, you toolbag.

Friday the 13th
5/10

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