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The film is about a scientist who has trained a group of guinea pigs and a fly to be secret agents… because that’s really practical. Who doesn’t want a secret agent that can get distracted by a wheel that goes nowhere? These guinea pigs uncover a company’s secret plot to take over the world. Unfortunately, when the FBI is notified, they try and take possession of the guinea pigs. They manage to escape, but are promptly captured and put up for sale in a pet shop. Some are bought, some escape, and they must find each other in time to save the world. It’s a standard issue-plot that is par for the course for this standard-issue kids’ movie.

There’s not much going on in G-Force, besides some slapstick laughs and Steve Buscemi as a crazed hamster. The characters are boring and stupid, and the action elements of the film are bland beyond reason. There’s nothing here that will entertain older folks with minds, but at least the kids will be happy… because all we want for them is some mindless entertainment and pretty pictures. You wouldn’t want your kids walking around actually thinking about the world after all. Thankfully, Disney has swooped in to indoctrinate the cherubic masses with their sterile brand of nitwit humor.

G-Force is all about pretty pictures and it’s about the only thing that the film has going for it. Everything looks nice with lots of detail. Sure those pretty pictures are draped over a narrative framework that might as well be composed of Twizzlers that have been soaked in poo-filled toilet water for a day, but in American society, as long as you look good, you are good. At least, that seems to be the prevailing sentiment of contemporary American culture and big-budget Hollywood productions. Who can argue with the look of films like Transformers and Termiantor: Salvation… movies devoid of actual good stories, good characters, or even entertainment value?

Maybe I’m taking G-Force too seriously, but the fact is, the only things I’ve seen that have been any good this summer have been horror flicks for which I had low-expectations. At this point G-Force seems more like an insult than a lighthearted piece of disposable drivel. But hey… it’s hot and kids need some shit to watch. Some drop them off at the theater, give them a hundred bucks for snacks, and forget about them… just like I’m going to forget about G-Force.

Final Synopsis: This movie sucks and is everything I hate about kids’ movies. Don’t see it. If you don’t want your kids to be thoughtless twinks, then you’ll keep your kids and yourself away from this too.

Points Lost: -1 for sheer dumbery, -1 for weak characters, -1 for weak humor, -1 for being boring all around, -1 for appealing only to kids, -1 for clichés

Lesson Learned: Guinea pigs are good for eating… not watching.

Burning Question: Is it animal abuse if you buy guinea pigs at a pet store and then roast them up on your grill?

G-Force
4/10

Tags: 2009, animation, bill nighy, cgi animation, comedy, guinea pigs, hoyt yeatman, Jon Favreau, kid's movie, latest movie reviews, nicolas cage, niecy nash, penelope cruz, recent3, Sam Rockwell, steve buscemi, tracy morgan, will arnett, zach galifianakis