Click Above To Buy NOW!

Note: I’ve tried to write this review since the film came out, but every time I got the review started, I felt like my brain was going to explode. So, essentially, I’ve given up on writing one of our usual reviews, though some elements will still be included (Final Synopsis, Points Lost, etc.), and decided to try something a little different. Hopefully, by doing this, I won’t go crazy.

Synopsis: As the title suggests, the film, which should have been a straight forward G.I. Joe vs. Cobra movie, tells the “origin” story for Cobra… or at least that’s what they want us to believe. In the film, a shady weapons dealer named James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), who becomes a horrible rendered Destro, sells four warheads containing a new nanotechnology-based weapon that can destroy anything the owner wants destroyed to NATO. NATO has the U.S. Army, a bunch of nobodies lead by Duke (The Dancing Dude) and Ripcord (The Lesser Wayans Brother), deliver their new toys. Whilst en route, the convoy gets ambushed by a bunch super-soldiers and the Baroness (the amazingly hot Sienna Miller… equipped with a skin tight, leather body suit and a push up bra). Duke and Ripcord basically watch their buddies get slaughtered and then run around to kill time until they are eventually saved by a mysterious group of elite soldiers… Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and Snake Eyes (Ray Park). After being saved, Duke and Ripcord get taken to a place called “The Pit” and meet a guy named General Hawk (Dennis Quaid, who half-asses his performance). Hawk tells Duke and Ripcord that the team that saved them are called G.I. Joe, makes them members of the team, tells them that “knowing is half the battle” and says that they have to prevent NATO’s warheads from getting into the wrong hands… which they fail to do. After failing, the Joes make it their duty to redeem themselves by stopping McCullen and his crew of evil doers from destroying anything else. That’s basically the movie… unless you want to count two of the most lamest reveals, which, oddly enough, both involve Cobra Commander (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), known to man. Oh, and a terrible sequel set up at the end of the movie.

The Good: There are a few things that are good in this movie. Two of the good things are Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller. Do we need to elaborate any more on that statement? After their hotness, the only other thing that the movie has going for it is Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun). The Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow storyline is great (which should come as a surprise since the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow storyline is always the best part… which makes one wonder why they just don’t make a Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow movie). However, sadly, that storyline isn’t really focused on too often.

The Bad: To make my life easier, I should just put “everything else” here, but I won’t do that. Instead, I will break it down in a way that I won’t have to list them off again in a “Points Lost” section… which I’ll probably end up doing again anyway.

1. The CGI. When I first saw the trailer (during the Super Bowl), I instantly thought that the CGI in the film looked like shit, but I decide to let it slide because I figured that that trailer didn’t feature the finished CGI. Sadly, I was wrong as the CGI used in the trailer is exactly how it looks in the film. I already mentioned that Destro is horribly rendered early in the review, but I’m going to mention it again and add more to it just to help explain the shittiness of the CGI. Once McCullen becomes the metal faced Destro we remember from the cartoons, toys and comic books, we get treated to a shiny piece of shit with horrible lip-syncing.

2. The writing for the film is straight up ass. The story the writers came up with is one of the dumbest things anyone will ever see on the big screen. At first, you laugh at the film’s shitty story, but after a while, you start hating yourself for dropping the cash on the ticket to see the movie. To make matters worse, the writers felt that it was necessary to include two love stories in the film. One of which is supposed to be a love triangle between Scarlett, Ripcord and Snake Eyes. But guess what… nothing fucking materializes from it because the writers completely forget the Snake Eyes part of the love triangle and just make it a story of how Ripcord is trying to impress Scarlett.

3. The piss poor writing could have been saved by the acting from the film’s stars, but this isn’t the case since the acting is also shitty. Quaid half-asses his performance and literally sounds like he was there just to collect his pay check. Gordon-Levitt, who is usually a good actor, tries his best with the material that he was given but fails to capture the awesomeness of the Cobra Commander from the cartoons. However, Quaid’s and Gordon-Levitt’s performances get eclipsed by the acting abilities of the following fuckers, who get their own sections, who cost this movie points.

4. Channing Tatum, a.k.a. The Dancing Dude. Watching this man do what he calls acting is downright painful. It is so bad that I’m fairly certain that there are dead babies that have better acting abilities than him.

5. Tatum gets followed by Marlon Wayans, a.k.a. The Lesser Wayans Brother. Wayans is supposed to be the comic relief in the film, but nothing he does in the film is funny.

6. Make Up/Suit Design. Whoever they got to do these designs should be ashamed of themselves. Their designs just have way too much shit going on to make anything interesting. The Accelerator Suits look like a cross between a downgraded version of an Iron Man suit and a Transformer. The design for “The Doctor”, who later becomes Cobra Commander (and Cobra Commander), also has way too much shit going on for it… it’s more distracting than anything.

7. The excessive need for Sommers to include his buddies. Since this is a Stephen Sommers film, his movie has to include an appearance from Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo and Kevin J. O’Connor. Fraser randomly shows up as Sgt. Stone and does nothing more than walk around, spew out a few lines and watch Snake Eyes beat up Duke. Kevin J. O’Connor, who plays Doctor Mindbender, does an ok job when he’s on the screen, but his character serves no purpose what-so-ever, which is stupid because the Mindbender character was a major character in the comics and on the show. Vosloo plays Zartan, Cobra’s Master of Disguise. His character is supposed to be a prominent one, but his character vanishes quickly after he is introduced. All he does is shows up, whistles “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”, stabs Hawk and then disappears until he “returns” to set up the sequel.

8. The sequel set up, which is actually supposed to be a “twist”, is the most clichéd thing ever. It is so blatantly obvious that it will happen that the scene is just a waste of celluloid.

9. The biggest problem is with Stephen Sommers himself. Sommers probably believes that he’s one of this generations best directors, but honestly, the man has no clue how to make a good film. He uses Michael Bay’s “How to Make a Blockbuster” theory by filling his films with a ton of eye candy. However, the difference between him and Bay is that Bay’s eye candy actually looks nice while Sommers’ looks cartoony and retarded.

In the end, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a terrible movie. The movie tries so hard to be a summer blockbuster, but ends up being a shitty film full of flaws… that probably causes cancer.

Final Synopsis: Fuck this movie. If someone suggests that you should see it, punch them in the face.

Points Lost: -9 for all of the problems mention in The Bad section, -1 for doing absolutely nothing with the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow story.

Lesson Learned: Joseph Gordon-Levitt should stick to making Indie movies.

Burning Question: Can you get cancer from watching a shitty movie?

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
0/10

Tags: 2009, action, adventure, arnold vosloo, bad CGI, byung-hun lee, channing tatum, christopher eccleston, could cause cancer, dennis quaid, Jonathan Pryce, joseph gordon-levitt, karolina kurkova, kevin j. o'connor, latest movie reviews, marlon wayans, rachel nichols, ray park, recent3, said taghmaoui, sci-fi, shitty cgi, shitty movies, sienna miller, stephen sommers, terrorists, worst movie of 2009