Click Above To Buy NOW!

Back when Harry Potter was first blowing up and oozing into the public consciousness like the liquid from an irritated herpelitic sore, a friend of mine captured my thoughts precisely about the Harry Potter franchise when he stumbled across a Potter costume in a Halloween store. He said, “What the fuck is this? A beat me up and take my candy costume?” Precisely. Despite the protests of nerds everywhere and fantasyland adults trapped in their childhood and still reading children’s fiction… I watched the newest Harry Potter flick and now I’m ready to beat it up and take its candy.

This fifth installment of the Potter franchise is a weak continuation of a saga that was never that interesting to begin with. In this episode, Potter returns to Hogwarts after being successfully acquitted of serious charges of underage wand-waving. The Ministry of Magic changes Hogwarts to make it safer and more wholesome of a place. Potter and his pathetic cadre of losers go underground with their wand waving in defiance of the new order of things. Then they talk and are bland… then there’s a fight at the end and Harry learns a valuable lesson about caring about stuff. Why this shit takes 2+ hours is beyond me as this generic story merits nothing more than a cursory glance before one is ready to turn the DVD into an emergency shit scraper… for when you run out of toilet paper… and paper towels… and those Taco Bell napkins you dug out of the garbage… I hope the video store doesn’t charge me for this.

The film is blandly directed by David Yates in a style that just about rivals the excitement and originality of being named David Yates. The film is boring and the pacing poses a serious threat of headaches and nausea to anyone that’s ever been laid… mainly anyone not a fan of the Potter series. Luckily, the middle part of the film is a soothing sleep inducer that lulls one to sleep with chirpy British accents, weak CGI, and excessive wand-waving. There are a couple of good action scenes… during the first five minutes and the last fifteen minutes, but the middle of the film is a complete wasteland of intellectual property.

The acting in the film is alright… if you like pasty British kids and that annoying Elijah Wood lookalike Daniel Radcliffe. The best actors in the cast are the adults. Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman all outstrip their younger counter parts who come off as angst-ridden, whiny, and annoying. There are no great performances in the film, just some solid adults feeding off the poor performances of pimple faced teenagers… who look just as awkward as when they first sported their wands.

This film is a pathetic excuse for entertainment and you won’t find a more annoying flick this year if you have any amount of balls or brains. There’s just something about watching a group of losers trying to not be a group of losers that is sickening… especially when the big showdown comes and they get their asses handed to them. If I wanted to watch losers act like themselves, I would sneak my way into a Star Trek convention or a Renaissance fair… I certainly wouldn’t pay 4 bucks and sit on my couch for two and a half hours watching it.

Final Synopsis: Harry Potter sucks and all of his adventures are weak. I can’t wait for this series to end… but if I was sporting a cash cow like the Potter series I’d probably be churning out mediocre stories as fast as creator J.K. Rowling does, so I guess I can’t complain that much. When the customers are drunk, begging for wine, and you’ve run out, just put some menstrual blood in a pale of dirty dish water and call it Merlot. You’ll make your money every time.

Points Lost: -1 for being boring, -1 for a giant CGI retard, -1 for overall terrible CGI, -1 for weak characters, -1 for not doing anything, -1 for being a lame middle part of a series

Lesson Learned: Just because you’re old enough to wave you wand around doesn’t mean you should whip it out all the time.

Burning Question: Is there a single self-respecting person in the world that actually thinks this shit is good?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
4/10

Tags: 2007, alan rickman, brendan gleeson, daniel radcliffe, david yates, emma thompson, emma watson, family, family movie, fantasy, gary oldman, helena bonham carter, kid's movie, latest movie review, Ralph Fiennes, recent, robbie coltrane, robert pattinson, shitty movies, warwick davis, wizards and shit