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How to Lose Friends and Alienate People is based on the little fish big pond memoir about Toby Young. The British journalist turned American Hollywood writer is portrayed by Simon Pegg in this film adaptation. One can only hope that this is just another case of the script not being as well written as the book. Toby Young must be too distracted by his job as judge on Top Chef to pay proper tribute to himself as a writer and Hollywood figure. The failed Vanity Fair employee couldn’t even get permission to write his own screenplay.

Simon Pegg, formerly of Star Trek and Robot Chicken, portrays the shocking British moron in a performance that almost seems like a mockery. He responds to every cue like a monkey on cocaine. His character isn’t even smart enough to use the coke offered to him at a big party so that there might be an excuse for his wily behavior. Like Young, drugs are the only thing that would have improved newly clean Kirsten Dunst’s performance.

Dunst brings nothing to this film with the frumpy clothing, bitchy comments and ever-increasing frown lines. She’s constantly turning Young down without any depth or redirection of her physical positioning. As an actress she has become tired and withdrawn from her roles. As Alison Oleson she is not involved in the film, choosing to bring in characteristics from her role as Clare in Elizabethtown instead of defining Alison as a supporting character. Alison is the good girl in contrast to Megan Fox’s role as the ignorant Sophie. Both women are so repulsive that Charlotte Devaney’s recurring role of the transgendered “Bobbie” is almost appealing.

Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Robert Weide expected very little from the role of Sophie Maes so he cast someone that would fit it perfectly. He likely told Fox to be herself and let the cameras role. She is given plenty of sexy outfits and camera time to distract her from the fact that she’s the biggest joke in the film. Weide seems to have cast both headline actresses with his other brain rather than with the directorial genius he used to bring the Davids to life. Neither Fox nor Dunst has any natural talent for timing or following cues.

The entire hour and fifty minutes drags by at the pace of a rotting corpse in December. Pegg usually relies on quick wit and speedy responses, but Weide keeps this indie comedy at a slow drag with hopes that Dunst and Fox will be able to catch up with the rest of the actors. A few scenes with Clayton Harding (Jeff Bridges) might have given these two ditzy bitches the crutch they needed. Bridges is hilarious in his cameo-sized role of magazine owner. The few humorous scenes involving him and Pegg are the only comedic breaks available to viewers. Many will likely feel alienated and lost by the slow pace and poorly timed jokes between Pegg and Dunst.

Unfortunately, the actual Toby Young cannot be accurately portrayed within the strict confines of an R-rating. His behavior when living stateside might have made an amazing movie if the director had sprouted the balls to tell the truth about the tawdry antics of this British journalist. Robert Weide’s portrayal of the eccentric royal bastard comes off as flat and egotistical to an audience that is more familiar with reality TV.

There is very little deviation from the tactics used in the filming of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” The unused cocaine must have gone to the cameramen because many scenes were full of the rookie shakes and mistakes. During the bar scenes both Dunst and the bartender seem to look at the camera when an obvious shutter occurs. Everyone must have been in a rush to finish this painfully awkward piece, because there are a lot of obvious camera shadows and failed cuts left in the less important scenes. Most viewers will be in a rush to finish watching this drab attempt at humor.

Points Lost: 4 for casting Dunst and Fox, 2 for strapping Pegg with stupid broads, and 1 for the pace and flaws.

Lesson Learned: Brad Pitt is not a cave in Yorkshire.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
3/10

Tags: comedy, gillian anderson, Jeff Bridges, kirsten dunst, kirsten dunst has a big head, latest movie reviews, megan fox, megan fox sucks, robert b. weide, simon pegg, Thandie Newton, toby young