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First off… let it be known that Hydra is a “Sci-fi Original.” That right there should be enough to fill you in on just what this movie is all about. Like most Sci-Fi Originals, the story concerns itself with giant CGI monsters that have absolutely nothing to do with Sci-Fi. In this case, the channel pulls the hydra out of its sleep and plops it into a weak ripoff of Surviving the Game… with hilarious consequences. Yes, Hydra is a terrible movie that should embarrass anyone associated with the production… but for those of us that love a good pile of deuce, Hydra’s got just the right amount of cheese and corniness to actually have some sort of entertainment value.

In the film, four douches wake up in a cargo hold, confused about where they are. Turns out they are to be used as live prey on a deserted island. Four rich fucks paid some shady businessman 10 million bucks to set the deal up. Only there are two problems. Problem #1: One of the prey is a green beret! Problem #2: The island they are going to use for the hunt is inhabited by a shiny CGI monster that can regenerate heads and looks like a pile of Play-Doh glazed with man spunk. This sets up a less than thrilling, but oftentimes hilarious, flick that should have crap connoisseurs squirtin’ ‘naise in their shorts.

Hydra is a film full of flaws, the most major of which is the film’s CGI. This stuff is miserable and you have to wonder how much it actually cost the Sci-Fi Channel to pay for this stuff. Anything over $1,000 bucks and they should demand their money back. I’ve seen middle school kids draw more terrifying monsters. The kills are brutal, but done in a style that’s more like a Mortal Kombat fatality than anything else. They’re silly, and the CGI isn’t quite synched up with the live action bits.

The cast of the movie is actually a slight bit better than it has any right to be. There are a handful of bad actors here and there, but within those handfuls, hiding sheepishly in the background are some solid people. The two women in the film are actually serviceable and should probably fire their agents, because their skills are far above a movie like Hydra. Dawn Olivieri and Polly “Not related to Molly” Shannon should both have futures in front of them, judging by their outrageously out of place quality performances. B-Movie vets Texas Battle and Matthew Willig also star in the film. Battle has finally been reduced to the level he should stay at after ruining flicks like Wrong Turn 2: Dead End and Final Destination 3 with his token black guy schtick. He is even less of a factor in this film. Willig, the poor man’s Lou Ferrigno, shows up to play a random tough who eats it about ten or fifteen minutes after showing up… but it’s always nice to see him. He makes you think of the Incredible Hulk every time.

Hydra is an embarrassment as a serious film. That doesn’t mean that it’s all bad, and fans of silly and shitty movies can have a good time with this… provided they are pumped full of plenty of beer. If you ever wanted to see a tiny CGI ship sink in a CGI sea for no reason at all… this is the film for you.

Final Synopsis: Unless you’re looking to laugh at a movie, there’s no reason to watch this. If you really loved Surviving the Game… but wished a seven-headed monster was unleashed, then this is right up your alley.

Points Lost: -2 for Sci-Fi Channel CGI, -1 for bad acting, -1 for Texas Battle, -1 for a stupid story, -1 for a dumb monster, -1 for not synching the CGI with the live action elements

Lesson Learned: In order to kill a hydra, you have to pull a He-Man sword out of lava… Krull style.

Burning Question: Why can’t Sci-Fi spend as much on CGI in their movies as they do on CGI for their promos?

Hydra
4/10

Tags: 2009, andrew prendergast, dawn olivieri, george stults, horror, latest movie reviews, matthew willig, Monster Movie, polly shannon, recent3, sci-fi movie, sci-fi original, seven-headed monster, texas battle