Critters 3 is one of a few forgotten sequels to a franchise that was poorly marketed from the very beginning. Its stubborn reticence to ditch the PG-13 philosophy and become a true horror franchise has always plagued these films from the very outset. Here you have carnivorous creatures that breed like fucking tribbles, have a love for human flesh, and are generally hilarious to look at, and yet they are still marketed to kids and families instead of people that actually want to see hungry little furballs eat people. Despite the franchise’s lack of balls, the Critters series still manages to work its magic within the framework of the PG-13 film.

Critters 3 takes the Crites from the boring backwoods and transplants them into a scummy tenement populated by a couple of kids, their father, two old fuckers, a lesbian, and a manager that appears to be channeling the spirit of Fisher Stevens as Vinny in My Science Project. The Critters get loose like they always do, wreaking havoc on anything edible. The residents of the tenement must escape being eaten at the hands of the cute but vicious little furballs. Oh yeah… Leonardo DiCaprio shows up in his first feature film, as well.

The film is poorly directed by Kristine Peterson, who fails to inject the film with as much energy as her predecessors before her. The look of the movie is definitely a low point in the franchise, as it is cloudy and bland looking. Many of the shots are too long, which brings down the pace of the movie. There are also some severe moments of cheese that make the film less entertaining, such as the main little girl’s ridiculously overplayed fear of climbing down a fucking ladder and the magic teleporting abilities of the Critters themselves. Peterson also avoids showing anything close to the amount of gore or violence that was present in the first two films.

The cast in the film is pretty solid, even though they are all sort of unlikable thanks to their early ‘90s fashions. Aimee Brooks plays the protagonist of the film, a young girl who must take responsibility and get her family out of the building because her father is a lazy douche who is completely worthless. Brooks makes an average heroine, but she stands out from the rest of the cast. Leonardo DiCaprio plays Josh, the stepson of the tenements evil landlord. DiCaprio doesn’t acquit himself very well and he’s actually pretty annoying; how this movie helped land him a role on Growing Pains is beyond me. Don Opper returns as Charlie, the drunk turned bounty hunter from the original films. The rest of the cast is fairly generic, except for the presence of the dreaded child twins who play the younger brother of Brooks’ character. They come complete with precocious little faces, annoying bowl cut, and random disappearances throughout the movie.

Despite all of its flaws, Critters 3 still manages to be entertaining and disposable fodder for the bored horror fan. It even had me disappointed with its cliffhanger ending as the phrase “To be continued” popped up, because apparently part 3 was shot back to back with part 4… quite frankly, it’s probably a good idea to not make a 3 hour long Critters epic, but I was still surprised by just how much I wanted to see the storyline continue. The charm of these little furballs is almost unsinkable.

Final Synopsis: It’s not the best movie out there, and it’s a little lacking in the nuts department, but it still has some entertaining moments. Give it a watch if you liked the first two films.

Points Lost: -1 for annoying little kids, -1 for a lack of balls, -1 for weak imagery and directing, -1 for some stupid moments

Lesson Learned: Critters can magically teleport from the first floor of an apartment to an attic… despite the fact that they two inch legs.

Burning Question: Why was that chick so freaked out by a ladder?

Critters 3
6/10

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