What is it with people and giant crocodile movies? Really… did we need another giant crocodile? Did we need one from one of the most talentless hacks in the horror business, Greg McLean? Not really. This is the third giant crocodile I have to sit through in little over two years, and the idea of a giant murderous crocodile just keeps getting stupider and stupider, but at least this time it looks really cool. You have to hand it to Greg McLean; he may make complete turds, but at least they’re sleek and good looking. Rogue is another example of a beautiful looking horror flick that has a story that seems like it was cobbled together by a gang of drooling retards.

In the film, a group of tourists, including a bunch of indistinguishable Australians, and one cocky American head down a river on a guided boat tour. Then a giant crocodile fucks their boat up and they are stranded on a tiny island. They must get off the island before the tide comes in and submerges their little island… because for some reason the crocodile won’t go on land and eat the shit out of the people. The group of survivors must find a way to escape being croc food. It’s kind of like Jaws except with a crocodile and people with annoying accents.

Greg McLean proves once again that he is without a doubt the stalest director in the horror business. For any of those that saw 2005’s Wolf Creek, you know exactly what I’m talking about. McLean’s penchant for building tension and never actually delivering is annoying, mostly because he spends so much time developing stereotypical unlikable characters and then trying to get you to like them. It just doesn’t work… maybe it has something to do with him being Australian. McLean’s film is slower than my turd’s decomposition rate, and the film doesn’t have the energy and pop to ever get off of the ground.

The acting in the film is a giant tidal wave of shit. Michael Vartan plays Pete, the super human American who tries to impress some Australian tour guide… because he sucks. Vartan fills the role with about as emotion as Duchovny manages to pull off in an X-Files episode… which is to say hardly no emotion at all. Radha Mitchell assaults the ears with her grating Australian accent, and she seems out of place among the cast, almost as if she really wants to act and show what she can do, but the story and the way her character are written won’t allow her. Mitchell plays the woefully inadequate tour guide, who despite espousing all sorts of knowledge about crocodiles, is absolutely worthless, possibly because she just wants to get back home and let her pet dog have its way with her cooch… just a possibility. The rest of the cast is made up of annoying character actors and one truly terrible Sam Worthington. If you want one reason (like there aren’t a dozen) why the next Terminator movie will suck, just look at Worthington’s performance in Rogue.

The special effects in the film are shit. The crocodile looks giant and stupid, in a CGI way. McLean uses a variety of techniques to hide the crocodile for the better part of the movie, which is a good idea, because it looks rather cartoonish, which sucks because the movements and the ferocity of the animal are perfectly captured. The kill count of the film is also miserable. Too many of those annoying Australian character actors manage to live… when quite honestly, I was rooting for the crocodile the whole time.

Rogue may be the best looking giant crocodile movie around… but it’s still a giant crocodile movie. Giant animal movies suck… except for Night of the Lepus. Giant bunnies crack me up. Maybe one day, McLean will find a story that can actually measure up to his technical prowess as a director, but I doubt it.

Final Synopsis: Rogue is poop. It sucks hard and doesn’t deliver as much violence as it should, relying on tension building and development of characters that are poorly written to carry the story. Skip this movie. On another note, if you’ve seen one giant crocodile movie, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Points Lost: -1 for shit acting, -1 for a dumb story, -1 for giant CGI crocodile, -1 for not killing enough of those annoying fuckers, -1 for a really lame crocodile showdown at the end, -1 for Sam Worthington, -1 for weak pacing

Lesson Learned: Don’t go to Australia… not because of the giant crocodiles, but because of the annoying accents.

Burning Question: What is your favorite giant killer creature movie?

Rogue
3/10