The Ferryman is a flick from New Zealand that apparently had a little bit of money behind it. I love these local film commissions that front filmmakers some scratch so that they can make whatever piece of shit they want to. The Ferryman is not necessarily a piece of shit, but the idea of the film is pretty bad… luckily, the money that was thrown at this film elevates from being another Haunted Boat and into the realm of mildly entertaining small scale horror flick.

The Ferryman is about the life of Richard Simmons… just kidding. It’s actually a story with some Greek mythology roots, involving a parable about the river Styx, a ferryman (who is known as Charon in Greek mythology, even though he is never called that in the film), and one man who thinks he is above the laws of the underworld. This man is a heavy drinking, rape machine, who has the ability to change bodies at will by using a craptacular dagger of dubious fashioning. The man finds his way onto a boat full of six pathetically bland passengers, as the Ferryman is quickly gaining on him to take him to hell. The crazy, drunk rapist starts to switch bodies like they are new suits and kills everyone in the process. It’s not as deep or as entertaining as it sounds, and the plot comes off as merely average.

The director of the film has actually done quite a nice job with this film. This is the second horror on a boat film that I’ve seen this year, and it is ten times better than Haunted Boat thanks to the inspired direction of Chris Graham. Graham actually makes the ocean look a little interesting… despite the fact that it is just a buttload of salty water. Graham’s film could have been amazingly boring, especially in the visual department, but he takes the confined setting of a yacht in the middle of the ocean and turns it into a dark playground of murder, deceit, alcoholism, and female masturbation… kind of. I would love to see what Graham could do with a larger budget, a plot that wasn’t retarded, and some actors that were a little more even-keeled. This film actually has a few memorable scenes, including Graham’s scene about one hour into the film of the captain of the boat facing off against a possessed passenger is amazing. I swear that Craig Hall really socks Tamer Hassan in the face during the scene and it looks fantastic.

I wish the film had some better actors in it, and despite the fact that most of the cast has been involved in other films that I have actually seen, they don’t really work well together. The standout of the cast is Tamer Hassan (Eastern Promises, Batman Begins) who plays the captain of the boat and actually brings a little personality to the film… although when he starts dancing to some New Zealander pop music he looks a little silly. John Rhys-Davies (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Waxwork) plays the body switching character known as The Greek with his typical skill… unfortunately, he isn’t in the film that much. The worst member of the cast is the horribly over the top Kerry Fox (Shallow Grave, Black and White) who plays a typically shallow foreigner. Fox’s performance is fine at the beginning of the film, but by the end of the movie she turns into a blithering idiot whose every line is performed like it is high drama… despite the fact that she is in a low-budget horror film.

The gore in the film is actually pretty enjoyable and even though there isn’t much extreme gore, it all looks fairly professional. There is blood throughout the film along with a shitload of knife stabbing, and the last half hour of the film is pretty much a nonstop series of standoffs and stabbings.

The Ferryman is a film that has a lot going for it, such as quality visuals and some good performances; however, those few things can’t save the film from the fact that it is an hour and forty minutes of watching people on a boat. The plot is wicked thin and needed some longer scenes at the front or the back of the film, so that the middle wasn’t just a bunch of people running around on a boat and being terrified. At least they show some boobs at the end… even though they could have had a lot more.

Final Synopsis: This is the best horror movie on a boat flick of the year… of course, it’s really only competing with Haunted Boat for this notable distinction. The Ferryman is a quality piece of independent horror cinema that only genre fans will appreciate. If you don’t like small scale horror movies with limited setting and a small cast, then this isn’t the movie for you. Otherwise, it might be worth a watch if you’ve got nothing better to do.

Points Lost: -1 for a lame plot, -1 for not enough settings, -1 for a poor performance from Kerry Fox, -1 for losing my interest near the last half hour of the movies, -1 for excessive use of New Zealander pop music… ouch

Lesson Learned: If you’re a man and you switch bodies with a woman… you can kill her by masturbating in her body. This sentence sounds really weird, but it makes sense if you’ve seen the movie.

Burning Question: Why is The Greek (John Rhys-Davies) running around on the ocean, when death (The Ferryman) is clearly floating around on a ferry? I’d be kicking it on a mountain somewhere.

The Ferryman
5/10