Walking into The Deaths of Ian Stone, I was expecting a darker version of Groundhog’s Day. The actual reality of the film is that it is just a cheap horror film with an interesting premise that is ruined by clichéd writing, shitty ideas, and a complete lack of gore. The film is about a dude named Ian Stone that finds himself haunted by demons. Every day Stone is killed and wakes up in a different version of his life where there are only two constants, a girl and being hunted by demons named Harvesters. Stone must unravel the mystery of his predicament and overcome some weak ass villains who spout retarded dialogue and dress like Matrix rejects, until eventually we see one of the most clichéd endings in horror movie history.

The film plays out like a cheap superhero movie rather than a horror flick. The writing is such that none of the characters are anything more than surface level vessels for cheesy dialogue like this gem that is uttered during a fight sequence:

Ian Stone: “Bring it on!”
Medea: “We have only just begun.”

All I have to say is “wow.” Someone thought that was good. There is someone out there (probably several people) that thought that was worth putting in a movie. The whole film is of the same quality.

The film is poorly directed by Dario Piana. Piana’s pacing is abysmal and the movie is a yawn-inducing, torturous ordeal because of it. There are a few moments of visual brilliance, but for the most part, Piana shows that he might be fine making a shitty sci-fi series, but he just doesn’t have what it takes to make a good horror film. The characters are weak, the visuals are bland and repetitive, and the film lacks any sort of spark. I’d rather watch a Pinochle tournament at the local retirement home than watch this movie or anything by Piana ever again.

The acting is shit. Mike Vogel, as Ian Stone, is a terrible actor… he delivers lines like my postman delivers my mail, all crushed up and with a little bit of drool on it… I suppose I should just cancel my subscription to Drunk Babes. Vogel fails to bring any sort of life to this character and all he seems to be just a pretty face to drape poor writing around. Christina Cole, plays Jenny, Stone’s mysterious connection to all of his previous lives… the film tries to set this up like it’s some sort of big mystery, but it’s exactly what you think it is. Cole’s vapid cuteness does nothing for her character and she just seems to be a lump of flesh with an annoying accent that Stone likes to drag around. The worst performance comes from the annoyingly over the top Jaime Murray. Her delivery is Shatner-esque and her character is burdened with the worst writing out of all the characters. It’s hard to blame all of these actors for their terrible performance… try saying “Cheesy cheesy cliché, heard it all before” in a meaningful manner and you’ll find that it’s almost impossible to make bad dialogue sound good.

The special effects in the movie are pretty good… despite the fact that they are completely uninteresting. I don’t know how many times I saw a Harvester’s CGI arm turn into a lame version of a jai-alai glove, but it stopped being interesting after the first one. There are a few good post-injury prosthetic pieces, but Piani never shows us any of the gore. The film pusses out at the critical moment where damage is being done and tries to rely on its stellar writing and character development to carry the film… I’m being facetious.

The Deaths of Ian Stone is complete ass. Spread the cheeks and you will find a terrible brown nugget that is known as clichéd writing. Dig your fingers in and you’ll find slime on the walls of the rectum that is called bad direction. Take a big whiff of it, and you will find terrible acting. Maybe it’s better to just leave the cheeks alone and go on your merry little way.

Final Synopsis: You’ll feel like Dario Piani should pay you if you go and see this movie. It sucks… hard. There isn’t a single redeeming aspect to this film. I can’t say it any clearer, I just hope this finds some of you in time before you go and waste your cash on this film.

Points Lost: -1 for lame Matrix characters, -1 for too many arm transforming into jai-alai basket scenes, -1 for lame acting, -1 for poor dialogue, -1 for being interminably boring, -1 for bad direction, -1 for a lack of gore, -1 for the butt-rocker demon

Lesson Learned: Don’t ask your retarded little brother to create dialogue for your screenplay… shit sounded like it was straight lifted from a Pokémon episode.

Burning Question: Seriously… what’s with The Matrix outfits?

The Deaths of Ian Stone
2/10