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Back in 1986, a film was released that would terrify and thrill adults and children alike. The film would feature the master of puppets, Jim Henson, as director and a disturbingly weird pop singer by the name of David Bowie. This film would play like a drug trip gone bad, be filled with images that would give a grown-up nightmares and be completely, satisfyingly enjoyable to watch.

The film is Labyrinth, and it is about a whiny little slag that thinks the world is against her. In her rage and frustration at having to babysit her brother, she begs for a goblin king to come and take him away. A creepy dude in a too tight outfit shows up and smuggles the baby away to his castle with an ease comparable to the plums that he smuggles throughout the movie. Realizing her mistake, she begs the goblin king to return the baby. The goblin king tells her that she has thirteen hours to find her way to the goblin king’s castle and reclaim the baby before he becomes a goblin. This is the start of an amazingly humorous and bizarre adventure involving farting swamps, scarf wearing worms, and plum smuggling goblin kings.

Jim Henson’s film is a visually stunning piece of tripped-out cinema. It is rare to find a children’s film that will appeal to children and adults alike, but Labyrinth is one of those films. The bizarre imagery, creative puzzles, and ingenious interactions and little touches that make the film jump off the screen are all masterfully coordinated by the man that brought us the Muppets and their special brand of quirkiness. The best thing about Henson’s vision is that it isn’t all bubble gum and sunshine, and the film actually has a little bit of a dark tone that is sure to give kids nightmares and make adults’ neurons fire in uncomfortable ways. Henson’s puppets are beautiful and creepy at the same time, and the amount of detail given to each creature is mind-boggling.

The two principle characters are played by Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie. Connelly plays a horny girl, Sarah, who is seeking to deny her own budding sexuality by creating a fantasy world full of goblins and fairies. Connelly’s performance isn’t anything special and luckily she has matured into a quality actress over the years. The most striking thing about Connelly’s performance are her disturbingly thick eyebrows… which, for a while, I thought were another of Henson’s puppets. David Bowie is delightfully creepy as he saunters around the set twirling his balls in his hand and belting out abysmal ‘80s style pop songs that have aged terribly. Despite Bowie’s creepy performance, he is almost upstaged by his outfit which is skin tight and clearly outlines his rockstar bulge… which he puts uncomfortably close to various goblins’ faces.

There are few movies that are as misleading as Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. On the surface, the film is just your run of the mill fantasy flick filled with goblins, interesting puppets and an androgynous pop singer, but if you look closer, you will find that the film is actually a cleverly disguised parable about one girl’s journey into womanhood and her own personal sexual discovery. Watch as Sarah spends a night alone in her own personal fantasy world and stumbles across Hoggle, a metaphor for the clitoris, who for a long time is Sarah’s only friend in the Labyrinth, aka life. Thrill as Sarah manipulates her “Hoggle” and discovers her own sexuality, building to a climax at the goblin king’s castle, where she will finally be willing to accept the goblin king’s balls. Laugh as she takes a side trip into her own Bog of Eternal Stench (you figure out what I’m talking about here) and discovers that it “Smell bad.” The film is pretty dirty and I could have sworn I heard the phrase “I eat da pussy” in one scene… oddly enough, most children will be ignorant of the film’s diabolical nature… even though you may find them crying for no apparent reason when Bowie sticks his package in Hoggle’s face. Just let them know that they’ll understand when they get older… and to stay away from androgynous pop singers in tight fitting pants.

Final Synopsis: Labyrinth is a bizarre film that is pretty fun to watch and visually stimulating. If you’re interested in sexual parable disguised as a children’s flick, this movie is for you. The film is great for most children even though pussy kids will probably start crying and then you’ll have to slap the around a little bit, but it’s still worth the effort. Give it a watch. Even if you’re an adult, there is some amount of pleasure to be found here.

Points Lost: -1 for terrible Bowie pop songs, -1 for Jennifer Connelly’s less than compelling performance, -1 for an ending that is pretty weak

Lesson Learned: Hoggle makes a great nickname for a clit.

Burning Question: Did anyone else hear the line “I eat da pussy?”

Labyrinth
7/10

Tags: 1986, action, adventure, David Bowie, david bowie moose knuckle, fantasy, Jennifer Connelly, jim henson, kid's movie, latest movie reviews, puppets, recent, sexual allegory