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Here’s a little background on why this movie was reviewed; a few months ago, whilst sitting in the truck at work and waiting to see if we were going to deliver anything, my buddy that drives the truck with me and I were trying to figure out what we could do to pass the time. We narrowed it down to two options. The first option was playing the classic Bio-Dome game of “Guess What I Ate By Smelling My Ass Rippage”, while the other option was to watch something on my little DVD player. We both decided on going with option two since my buddy just ate Mexican Food and I didn’t feel like dirtying his soul by letting him shit his pants… Shit, I would have had to explain things to the boss and I wasn’t going to do that. Sadly, we had nothing to watch. So we made a quick venture back to our places to rummage through our collections for something to watch. Again, we were fucked since we had already viewed everything that we own. But then a light-bulb went off in my head and I said, “Dude, how about we venture to my bro’s place and go through his DVDs?” He was down for the decision and off we went. After arriving, we determined that my brother doesn’t have much of a collection of movies, but does have a collection of TV series and the only one that we gravitated to was… Miami Vice. So, there we were, saved by a laughably shitty show. It took us a bit to get through the series for the fact that it was so bad that it was tough to battle through it, but, by the end of the series, we collectively decided that we hadn’t tortured ourselves enough and scored ourselves a copy of the film… and that’s how this review came to be.

The film, much like the TV series, is about two Vice cops by the names of Sonny Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Rico Tubbs (Jamie Foxx). Since it’s their job, Crockett and Tubbs go undercover and try to prevent, with some help from the rest of the crew; Zito, Gina, Trudy, The Bugging Expert named Switek and Lieutenant Castillo, hardcore drugs like cocaine and heroine from getting into the Floridian community. That’s the plot of the show and the movie. However, just to add a little more flare to the film, they decided have Trudy (who is now Tubbs’ love interest after an entire series where he didn’t want to fuck her) get kidnapped by this new drug lord and have the rest of the crew go save her.

The movie, which has a simple premise, was written and directed by Michael Mann (who also served as Executive Producer on the show for its run). So, you’d think that since someone this close to the original project was involved, the movie would be decent… you’d be wrong on that thought. Instead of getting a decent undercover story, we get a film that is marred with bad acting, horrible chemistry, wasted characters and actors (most notably Tom Towles who literally sits there and chews bubble gum while talking on the phone), a lame main villain, a dumb as shit love story and horrendous editing (the studio is to be blamed for that one since they believed that the movie’s run time was a bit too long and forced Mann to cut some scenes).

Now, with all that being said, there are some things in the movie worth noting. The first thing is that the movie has Tom Towles… nuff said. The next thing is a laughable ambush scene that involves some 50 cals ripping through a car and ripping apart the people inside. The last thing this movie has going for it is the music. The music, even though the only ones I would consider listening to on a daily basis are the Mogwai tracks, tell their own story within the movie and are actually better than the movie is.
With everything said, Miami Vice has major qualms and because of that this movie is a bad movie. Instead of keeping it laughably shitty like the series, they decided to make it darker and more serious (granted the later seasons were like that, but this took it a step farther) and changed shit from the show (i.e. Tubbs being with Trudy when it was Crockett and Gina that were playing just the tip on the show and making Castillo, Zito and Switek after thoughts when they were prominent on the show).

Final Synopsis: It has way too many qualms with it to be enjoyable and to laugh at it. It would be best that you just stay away from this film. If you are fiending for a shoot out fix, you better go with the far superior film, Heat.

Points Lost: -1 for bad acting, -1 for bad chemistry, -1 for wasted characters (Zito, Switek, Gina and Castillo), -1 for wasting Tom Towles, -1 for lame main villain, -1 for the bad love story, -1 for bad editing.

Lesson Learned: this comes from the show and movie… If you’re a chick, don’t let Crockett or Tubbs put their penis in you. If you do, something bad is bound to happen to you.

Burning Question: Why does it feel like the Unrated version, which is only five minutes longer, would make more sense?

Miami Vice
3/10

Tags: 2006, action, Barry Shabaka Henley, colin farrell, crime, Domenick Lombardozzi, drama, Elizabeth Rodriguez, Gong Li, jamie foxx, John Ortiz, Justin Theroux, latest movie review, michael mann, Naomie Harris, recent, TV show adaptation