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I generally abhor kids’ movies. Most of the time they are weak fluff that only a dumbass would laugh at or enjoy. They’re usually made for kids and the adults that actually spend their time reading Harry Potter books… basically douche bags. Monsters vs. Aliens is along the same lines, but it has enough humor in it to be mildly entertaining… even though it’s made for people with an I.Q. that’s smaller than the chance that I’ll ever give a kid’s movie a ten.

The film follows the exploits of a chick named Susan after she is hit by a meteorite on her wedding day, which causes her to grow freakishly large. She is captured by the military and stuck in a prison full of other monsters… who are genuinely nice creatures unfairly labeled by the mega-military machinery of the United States. It turns out Susan, who is renamed Ginormica, has absorbed some sort of energy that a crazed squid scientist wants for himself. After the scientist sends a giant robot to Earth to get it back, Ginormica and her newfound friends, a scientist cockroach, a blob, a giant bug, and sea-creature, are sent out to destroy the robot. From there the film takes off, leaving a wake of chuckles in the wreckage.

Monsters vs. Aliens is fairly funny and there are a few laughs here and there. But there’s nothing that’s going to make you fall out of your seat. The humor is a nice blend of adult-type jokes and stuff that kids will love, a la Shrek… which is no surprise since it’s made by the same people who made Shrek. Still, I kind of wish there were some huge vagina jokes in there. Imagine a vagina you can walk inside… weird. Honestly, as soon as that chick grew all big and shit, all I could think about were the possibilities of a huge vagina. Imagine if she was a squirter… you’d be standing there using her clit like a punching bag and then “sploosh”… you go sailing down the street on a wave of female ejaculate.

While that image is still floating around in your head, realize that the voice acting of this film is only average. Reese Witherspoon, who voices Vaginormica, has a voice that is like chewing saltwater taffy with a mouth full of cavities. There are moments where you just want her to shut up. Seth Rogen is funny throughout the film, but his character, B.O.B. the blob, laughs too much causing the viewer to start to be annoyed by Rogen’s trademark dufus laugh. The rest of the cast is filled with big-names, but no one really does anything that special… it is just voice acting after all.

The look of the film is outstanding, and while the style may be a bit simplistic for some, it works for the most part. Monsters vs. Aliens isn’t as rich and detailed as it could be and large areas of the backgrounds and scenery are bare and devoid of any personality. The film could definitely use an upgrade in the aesthetics department.

Monsters vs. Aliens isn’t as bad as I thought it would be… but that’s not saying much considering I figure 90% of all movies are going to be complete shit. If you’re unlucky enough to have a child, you would do well to take them to this movie… and while they are laughing and having a good time, sneak out and forget you ever made the mistake of not wearing a jimmy hat.

Final Synopsis: It’s ok… nothing special really. You could wait for this to show up on DVD because the 3-D stuff isn’t all that impressive anyway.

Points Lost: -1 for Seth Rogen’s laugh, -1 for Reese Witherspoon’s voice, -1 for poor backgrounds, -1 for a simplistic and bland visual style

Lesson Learned: Never miss an opportunity for giant vagina jokes.

Burning Question: What does Vaginormica use to pleasure herself?

Monsters vs. Aliens
6/10

Tags: 2009, amy poehler, comedy, ed helms, enormous vagina, family movie, giant vagina, huge vagina, hugh laurie, jeffrey tambor, john krasinski, kid's movie, kiefer sutherland, latest movie reviews, paul rudd, rainn wilson, recent2, reese witherspoon, renee zellweger, Seth Rogen, stephen colbert, will arnett