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What do you get when you give trailer trash a digital camera, some motorcycles, and some shotguns? One of the worst movies of all time. Motocross Zombies from Hell is a straight to DVD zombie flick from the same production company that brought us the worst horror movie ever… Zombies Gone Wild. Had I done my research and realized that the Cohen Brothers production company was responsible for that abysmal disaster of a film, I never would have picked up this film and checked it out… but what can I say? I’m a sucker for ridiculously shitty titles that pretty much point out that the film is ass. Did I expect anything from this movie in the first place? Not really, so on that level I was pleasantly surprised.

The film is about three tool boxes that like to race dirtbikes on the weekend… and have three minute long food fights. Then uhh… some zombie guys show up and they board up a house… with all the cordless drills, worklights, and shotguns that they have in their van. There’s some motorcycle racing… which sucks and is boring to watch. Then umm… they shoot zombies which is kind of cool… I guess. Damn… I’m trying to write a review here, but this film sucked all the life out of me. I better go hop on a dirt bikes and say lame shit for an hour and twenty minutes.

The film is directed by G.R., the same mysterious initials that were credited with directing Zombies Gone Wild. This ball-less fuck doesn’t even have the stones to own up to the fact that he is putting out some of the worst shit since Ulli Lommel picked up a camera… wait… he’s actually worse than Lommel. Maybe it’s not even a man. Maybe they glue the camera to a dog and have it follow around douche bags during motorcycle competitions. Yeah… that must be it. No one would consciously produce something this bad. G.R… hmmm…. Golden Retriever. That’s it! I’ve cracked the mystery; this film was shot by a golden retriever with a camera on its back.

The acting in this film is shit… mostly because the golden retriever that filmed this movie likes to follow around a couple of duders and a fat chick that’s probably been boned by every goatee-sporting dingleberry that straddles a dirt bike. I don’t use the word “gay” as an insult very often, but dirt-bikes are gay. I can just picture this double-chinned slag, knees to the air yelling at Johnny Crudbutt to rev his engine one more time. Disgusting. There are better ways to get laid than to tell some ugly slut she can be in your movie. Try rohypnol… lots of beer, or maybe buying a random fatty a pizza. Just please stop making these movies!

The film is a film in name only. There’s really no story, no continuity, no acting, no direction… but there are a couple of zombies and naked torsos from a Halloween store… that alone makes it a better film than Zombies Gone Wild. While this film may not be the worst film ever, it is definitely in the top ten worst horror flicks ever… sandwiched somewhere between a couple of Lommel flicks. The film is so bad, that I’m ready to go walking around town with a shotgun to shoot any golden retrievers that I see. This madness has to stop. Dirt-bikes are retarded. No one cares about your bland stunts or your penchant for using weak-ass zombie movies to get some pussy. Avoid this one at all costs; I wouldn’t show this to my worst enemy.

Final Synopsis: This is from the same people that made Zombies Gone Wild… need I say more? Just in case… don’t watch this! Unless you’re an emo kid with a death wish, you need to stay away from this at all costs.

Points Lost: -1 for sucking, -1 for bad ad-libbed dialogue, -1 for glueing a camera to a golden retriever, -1 for excessive dirt-bikery, -1 for a 3 minute long food fight, -1 for bad direction, -1 for being boring as fuck, -1 for giving me a headache, -1 for using filmmaking as a method to bed fat chicks… I could almost understand if the chicks were hot… but they’re about as attractive as the prospect of sticking my dick in a garbage disposal and flipping the switch

Lesson Learned: Dirt-bikes and zombies don’t mix.

Burning Question: Isn’t there some way we can fight back against these no talent fuckers that keep making this shit? I’m starting an army to hunt down cinematic terrorists like this G.R. fucker.

Motocross Zombies from Hell
1/10

Tags: 2007, beyond belief bad movie, extreme sports, G.R., horror, latest movie review, motorcycles, recent1, shitty movies, zombie, zombies