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There are two things wrong in this world… One, I’m not rich and two, PG-13 horror movies suck, but still manage to maintain some sick sort of monetary success. Prom Night is a prime example of why horror fans have grown to hate anything with PG-13 slapped on it. This current wave of PG-13 horror movies are bland, toned down for a teenage audience, and do absolutely nothing new. It wasn’t like that back in the day, when a PG-13 horror movie actually tried to be good and tried to get away with things. Now films like Prom Night don’t even try, because they are content to rake in the money from frustrated teenagers who can’t get in to see the movies they really want to see. The end result is the death of the rated-R movie, and what are real horror fans, the ones who can actually get drunk by going to the store and buying a case of the finest malt liquor around, left with? Shit like Prom Night… an 85 minute by-the-numbers turdfest that is about as intelligent and scary as Mrs. Butterworth.

The film is basically a ripoff of the 1980 flick by the same name. While the characters and storylines are similar the film fails to do anything to distinguish itself in any aspect of horror and is just as bland as all of the other “true” remakes that have been plaguing theater screens for the last few years. In the film, a group of vapid teenagers head off to their prom, calling everyone “rich bitches”… despite the fact that they are cruising around in a limousine and talking about going to college. One of the girls has a troubled past and it comes back to haunt her in the form of a crazy teacher who is obsessed with her. The crazy teacher killed her entire family three years ago and has recently escaped from a mental institution… and picks up right where he left off. The cops, possibly the worst cops ever, get wind of the criminal’s escape and do nothing but watch the girl… just in case the dude might show up. Of course they suck at it and a small handful of kids are killed in boring fashion, leading up to an impressively bland ending. There’s nothing original here and the characters reek of suburban angst and privilege. Oh Buffy, whose going to be prom queen? Who gives a fuck? The biggest disappointment about this film is that not every one of the lifeless teenage fuckers dies… because this film is made by capitalist pussies more interested in making a buck than making a good slasher flick.

The direction in the film is complete shit. I’ve never seen a more generic feeling slasher flick and Prom Night easily ranks among the worst examples of how to not direct a slasher. The film spends all its time focusing on the lame characters, which just makes you want them to die even more. The killer in the film is weak and the director never attempts to make the character insidious or menacing. He’s just some dude with a knife who walks around in a sport coat and a generic baseball hat… possibly the worst killer in a slasher flick since the infamous Gorton’s fisherman killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer. The pacing is shit and much of the film is designed to tap into teenage commonalities and high school nostalgia… meaning that anyone who is actually out of high school will simply be annoyed by “the greatest time of these kids lives.” The imagery is boring and the entire film has a feeling of distinct boredom. This is like the Backstreet Boys of slashers… safe generic and designed to leech money out of teenage girls’ pockets… or, more likely, their dimwitted boyfriends.

The acting is ass. There isn’t a single quality performance and the cast is a collection of generic twenty-somethings who have cut their teeth on the soap opera circuit. Brittany Snow is easily the worst of the bunch. Her performance is about a varied as the outfits in Albert Einstein’s closet. But she’s just bland enough that all those mindless little monkeys that we know as teenagers, will find her compelling.

The gore in the film is a major disappointment. The film has a few kills which are seen in a way that is thoroughly unsatisfying. Kills happen in a second or less, and except for one squirt of blood everything remains rather pristine. The killer, despite the fact that he is holding victims close and slashing their throats with a knife, somehow manages to avoid getting a splotch of blood on anything but his knife. This leads me to believe that the killer’s clothes are made out of Teflon. A good many of the kills are not shown at all, but happen entirely off screen. Even the film’s climactic and expected shooting of the bad guy is a bloodless affair.

Prom Night is so bad in so many ways. The lines are corny. The kills are weak. The character development is terrible, and the story is just plain dumb, which combined with ridiculous lapses in judgment on the director’s part makes for a terrible movie experience.

Final Synopsis: Prom Night sucks. It’s exactly what you think it is, teeny-bopper horror made to brainwash the masses and rip unearned money from the hands of children that have too much of it in the first place. Don’t give this thing any money. Boycott the shit out of it.

Points Lost: -1 for sucking, -1 for being boring as hell, -1 for weak ass gore, -1 for lame kills, -1 for lame killers, -1 for dumb cops, -1 for magic Teflon killer, -1 for Brittany Snow and her cast of generic good looking actors and actresses… who can’t act

Lesson Learned: Don’t want to get any blood anywhere when you kill someone? Find the place where the killer in Prom Night shops. O.J. Simpson is rubbing his hands together like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons right now.

Burning Question: Did anyone actually go their prom? I don’t even remember when it was… of course I was smashed all throughout high school.

Prom Night
3/10

Tags: 2008, brittany snow, horror, horror movie, latest movie review, nelson mccormick, recent1, Remake, shitty movies, slasher