Click Above To Buy NOW!

While I wasn’t necessarily a huge fan of Donnie Darko, it’s easy to see how clever the film is. That’s why it’s such a shock to see the abomination that is S. Darko, the spinoff/sequel to Donnie Darko. The film couldn’t be further from its source material. S. Darko is a mindless bit of time conundrum tripe with no actual point or reason. It’s quite simply an opportunity to get a bunch of pretty kids on screen in the hopes that people will check this out.

In the film, Sam Darko, the youngest of the Darko siblings, has run away from home. She gets stuck in some random town with her deadbeat friend and starts having visions and shit. Meanwhile there’s some dude named Iraq Jack running around, a missing child, and an alcoholic teenager who loves to party. Typical time shenanigans ensue when Sam starts having visions and waking up places in her underwear… because she’s a fucking moron and doesn’t wear clothes to bed even though she keeps waking up in strange places with horny dudes hovering over her. Of course, this entire story is all for naught, as by the end of the movie literally nothing has happened.

If I were Chris Fisher, I would be embarrassed to have my name attached to this piece of shit. It plays out like some sort of lame CW teen drama, filled with fresh-faced pukes with no acting ability. Fisher’s idea of storytelling is laughable at best, and the weak script doesn’t help matters any. The pacing of the film is miserable and there are entirely too many scenes of poor actors sitting around going emo and shit and trying to pass it off as “emotion.” There are some visually stunning scenes, but the story, the acting, and the lack of actual happenings prevent these from being anything more than a slight diversion.

The cast is made up of people you’ve seen in many places… if you’re a teenage girl. Daveigh Chase (The Ring, Lilo & Stitch) looks like a chipmunk and generally sucks as Sam Darko, the lead whiny teenage skank. Chase doesn’t do anything except take up space on the screen and I hope she disappears from cinema for good after this film. Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl, Children of Men) brings a load of shit to the table and asks the viewer to dine on it smilingly as he saunters through the film like a lobotomized My Chemical Romance fan in the role of Randy, a pathetic drunk teenager. The lone bright spot in the cast is Briana Evigan (Step Up 2 the Streets, Bottoms Up) who comes off like a younger, hotter Demi Moore… without the boob job or the lame 20 years-younger boyfriend. Evigan is solid, but the movie sucks, so no one is even going to care.

Despite all of its flaws, the special effects of the film are the one area where everything is sound. There are some great effects pieces to be found here and there in the film, but none of it is worth going out of your way to see. Meteors fall from the sky, people develop nasty rashes, and strange lines of distorted air lead people around like the sheep they truly are. Of course, if they had added giant space boobies or at least exploding emo children, I would have been a little more impressed.

As it is, S. Darko is exactly what everyone was afraid it was going to be… a heartless film that attempts to cash in on the fans of the original film… fans who have hopefully grown up and realized that it’s actually ok to be happy and not walk around like a moping douche bag all the time. At least there’s no Jake Gyllenhaal in the film. That girl/boy would have ruined this shit even further.

Final Synopsis: There’s no reason to watch this. Skip it. The Darko universe ended after the first film as far as I am concerned. Of course, you know there will be another fucking sequel to this… which will be even stupider and even worse.

Points Lost: -1 for a cast of CW rejects, -1 for a shitty story, -1 for robbing your film of any impact, -1 for being boring as hell, -1 for poor pacing, -1 for naming a character Iraq Jack… that’s fucktarded

Lesson Learned: Iraq rhymes with Jack… and some sequels don’t need to be made.

Burning Question: Are there are any Donnie Darko fans out there that actually like this movie?

S. Darko
4/10 or It’s like fucking a chick doggie style and then she shits diarrhea all over you… you’ll probably finish, but you’re not going to enjoy it that much.

Tags: 2009, briana evigan, chris fisher, cw fucks, daveigh chase, drama, ed westwick, elizabeth berkeley, jackson rathbone, james lafferty, latest movie review, matthew davis, recent2, ripoff, sci-fi, sci-fi movie, science fiction, science fiction movie, shitty cast