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Remakes… it’s like being forced to do it in missionary position every time you have sex… you just get tired of it, but for some reason you keep doing it because… hey, it’s sex. Remakes are becoming much the same thing; yeah, you’ve already seen the movie, but you have to see how they did with it. Is it better or worse? The answer is almost always “worse,” and with Shutter, the answer is a resounding “worse.”

The film is the story of a couple of white people who move to Japan after getting married… because American audiences won’t watch a movie unless the leads are white people. Soon after they arrive, weird shit starts showing up in their photographs, whips, chains, nutty brown turds… just kidding… sadly it’s only a ghost. Spooky. The wife of the couple must unravel the mystery of the bland ghost before it threatens to put everyone to sleep like a bukkake pornstar going into a jism coma. The film is pretty much an exact replication of the film it’s remaking and there isn’t anything new to be seen… except for Mt. Fuji… look at its white-capped tip rising into the sky. Oh… I got distracted by my penis.

The original film had a lot going for it, mostly thanks to Banjong Pisanthanakun’s quality direction. Other than that is was a typical ghost story that eschewed the stale Japanese ghost aesthetics for something far more interesting. Sadly this remake goes the opposite route and transforms the original Thai feeling of 2004’s Shutter into something remarkably similar to films like The Grudge and The Ring. The end result is a stale rehashing that has even less balls than the original film, which had about as much balls as a five year old Girl Scout to begin with. The girl appears in spooky places with her hair in her face and the yawns commence. There is no violence in this film, and the shit that is present doesn’t even count, because it’s so badly ruined by CGI.

There is no direction in the film and the actors are allowed to wander around like mental patients fresh from a shutdown mental institution. The actors’ bland eyes and bored countenances seem to signify that they know they are part of a weak trend and that putting forth any effort might be more than it’s worth. Joshua Jackson puts forth the effort of a lobotomized sloth as the husband in the film. Rachael Taylor (another actress whose parents can’t spell) puts forth a slightly better effort… but it’s similar to having someone ask you if you want your balls shaved with a rusty razor or a rusty steak knife… either way it hurts. Not even Roy, from The Office (David Denman), can save this film from being utterly heartless and cursed by its avaristic nature.

This film is a complete waste of money and if you pay for it, you’re a mindless tool propagating the dearth of creativity that is plaguing the entertainment industry. Giving money to this film would be like handing Hitler a fiver and saying do something nice with it. Don’t do it.

Final Synopsis: A truly terrible remake, Shutter, should probably be spelled Shudder because just thinking about it sends me into uncontrollable convulsions that make me want to slit my own throat. This boring piece of poop is an embarrassment and Hollywood types want to know what happened to the horror boom. Just look at Shutter and you’ll see everything that’s wrong with the horror industry right now. PG-13 lameness and a lack of original ideas.

Points Lost: -1 for remaking an average movie in the first place, -1 for remaking an average movie and turning into a horrible piece of shit, -1 for bad direction, -1 for poor sound design, -1 for a lack of acting, -1 for re-creating the lame Japanese ghost-style, -1 for boring me so bad that I started playing with my scrotum to see how far it would stretch… surprisingly far I might add

Lesson Learned: Always ditch your rape vids.

Burning Question: Would you direct a remake? I’d tell those fuckers to go rape themselves in the ass with a lemon zester if they asked me to do such a thing.

Shutter
3/10

Tags: 2008, david denman, ghost, ghost movie, ghosts, horror, horror movie, joshua jackson, latest movie reviews, masayuki ochiai, rachael taylor, recent1, Remake, shitty movies, supernatural