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The Star Trek franchise has aged worse than William Shatner himself. That’s why it’s no surprise that the franchise is experiencing a reboot after failed attempts at branching out via shows that no one gives a fuck about. Of course, this reboot follows the typical reboot formula; fill your cast with young, fresh-faced kids who may or may not have any actual talent, and then fill the movie with enough pretty imagery to make everyone forget that the film is simply a capitalistic device to make money without having to do anything new. Star Trek follows the formula in like a horny mutt after a bitch in heat.

In the film, we are given a glimpse into something that most Star Trek fans have been curious about for ages, the beginnings of the beloved Enterprise crew. We get to see Spock and Kirk as children, and watch as they prove themselves worthy of being chief officers on a starship. Of course, all of the other crew shows up throughout the movie, sometimes in surprising ways. Once the crew is together, they band together to fight a menace from the future, a Romulan ship… populated with dudes with tattoos, shaved heads, and Eurotrash style clothing. This is a Star Trek movie, so of course they throw in some time continuum bullshit, which enables them to bring back a guest in a heavy-handed move that can only be described as fan pandering.

J.J. Abrams’ film is exactly what you would expect, a fast-paced action flick devoid of any true grit. Just because your name is J.J. doesn’t mean that everything is going to be “Dy-no-mite!” But at least it’s a serviceable entry into the realm of Star Trek flicks, because, let’s face it, none of the Star Trek movies were that great anyway. Abrams fills his film with pretty imagery, stunning effects pieces, and a Vulcan-shaming lack of logic. The story of the film, coupled with an annoying scene of a young Captain Kirk, is lacking. While this story definitely offers a great opportunity for some awesome action scenes, the reality is that there are too many plotholes involved. But this isn’t Star Trek for the intelligent nerd… it’s Star Trek for the new school set of attention span challenged youth… meaning that story is the last concern of the reboot.

Perhaps the biggest flaw of the film is that it tries to cater too much to the Star Trek fan. The film is filled with corny uses of the original cast’s stock catch phrases. One or two of these would be fine, but it seems as if every five minutes or so, every bastard in the film is spouting out some stupid phrase that ruins the importance and gravity of the film. The one thing this reboot doesn’t do is put its own stamp on the franchise; this is, for all intents and purposes, the same Star Trek, only younger and prettier.

The cast is comprised of typical fresh-faced assholes, with some surprising results. First off, Chris Pine is a surprising find as Captain Kirk. While I was pretty much dead set on not liking this guy going into the film, he actually turned out to be a pretty good choice as Captain Kirk, as he embodied the young exuberance and rebelliousness of the character perfectly. While Pine will never be mistaken for being overtly manly, in this incarnation of the captain, he is perfect. Zachary Quinto does an amazing job of filling Leonard Nimoy’s pointy ears, and he takes the roll over seamlessly. The weakest casting in the movie comes in the form of Karl Urban, who plays Bones, the ship’s chief medical officer. Urban tries too hard to capture the essence of DeForest Kelley’s classic portrayal of the good doc… and he does so with less than inspiring results. Urban turns the pivotal character into a walking-talking comedian, and the end result is a laughable mess.

There are a shitload of other actors, most of which are well cast, from John Cho as Sulu to Simon Pegg as Scotty. The only other cast member that is terrible is Anton Yelchin as Chekov… but I figure he’s only in the movie because they want someone to come out of the closet thirty years down the road. Even the bad guys in the film are well cast, as Eric Bana and one of my favorite “that guys,” Clifton Collins Jr. (aka Tack), create some menacing figures as Romulan baddies.

The special effects in the film aren’t uniformly impressive, and many scenes suffer from an overly cartoonish look and a generally glossy sheen. The film lacks the grit to feel like anything other than fluff… nerd-flavored. There are ship battles, explosions, and plenty of other typical Star Trek nonsense, but none of it feels that important. In the end, you’ll be sitting there watching a whole bunch of goofy looking shit without any actual investment. After all… you already know the outcome of the film. It’s not like they are going to kill these guys off and miss out on their opportunity to milk this shit for all it’s worth.

Star Trek the reboot isn’t terrible, it’s about what you would expect from a high-priced flick that doesn’t attempt to be creative on its own. It’s just a mindless good time that aims its sights at the middle of the road movie fan in an attempt to appeal to everyone, while dodging greatness at every turn. This is definitely one where you’ll want to switch off your inner critic in order to enjoy it.

Final Synopsis: It’s not bad. It’s not great. The special effects will probably hold up better on the big screen than they will at home, but you don’t want to sit next to the fucks that go to this movie. I say wait for a rent, unless cheesy CGI tends to ruin films for you.

Points Lost: -1 for lame space time continuum bullshit, -1 for Karl Urban, -1 for spouting out catch phrases every five minutes, -1 for little kid Kirk

Lesson Learned: Chekov is now the gay member of the Enterprise.

Burning Question: If the Romulans are so fucking advanced, why haven’t they invented things like guard rails or stairs?

Star Trek
6/10 or “It’s the missionary sex of movies, it’s the most boring sex you could have… but it’s still sex.”

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