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It’s hard to not get excited about Surrogates. First off, it stars truly bankable sci-fi star in Bruce Willis. His previous sci-fi efforts have included the superior flicks 12 Monkeys, The Fifth Element, and Armageddon. Unfortunately, Surrogates is not the movie that it seems to be. The potential to make a meaningful statement due to the premise of the film is completely wasted, leaving only a shallow sci-fi flick that plays in clichés like the latest hip hop video.

Surrogates is about a world where people have come to live and exist through lifelike robots. People stay at home, operating their surrogates with their minds… surrogates that are often younger and better looking than their true selves actually are. In short, the world has become like one big message board, where everyone pretends they are something that they are not. Despite the potential for dirty hijinks and over-the-top social commentary, this premise is wasted on what amounts to a poorly scripted political thriller.

Bruce Willis’ character is a fumbling, bumbling detective complete with stock cop baggage. He lost his kid in a car accident and his wife won’t leave her room, choosing to exist in only surrogate form. When a murder takes place, Willis’ character is tasked with the job. What he uncovers will affect the entirety of surrogate society… for better or worse. The plot would have been great… had it not been completely given away in the trailers. The film’s grand finale, a “difficult decision” moment, is rendered completely impotent by the fact that you’ll already know what Willis’ character will choose thanks to a scene in the trailer of large groups of people simply falling down. Nice marketing dumbfucks. But what do you expect? The film is so bland that it needs any edge it can get, even if it does ruin the surprises within the film.

The film is poorly directed by Jonathan Mostow. Mostow has a great handle on all the technical aspects of filmmaking, but Surrogates is as heartless and cold as the fake society it portrays. There’s nothing to grab onto in the film, and it completely lacks any “wow” moments. In short, Mostow has created a neutered version of a good movie, a ball-less exposé that says little and asks for even less from its audience. This is sci-fi by numbers… only all the numbers are the same… they’re all deuces.

The cast sports a nice look to it, but none of the actors are allowed to do anything of import thanks to the vapid writing of the script. Bruce Willis is in the film, but he spends the majority of his time observing stuff and doing little else. It’s a shame to see Willis wasted on such a mediocre movie. Rosamund Pike fails to impress as the wife of Willis’ character. Of course, she’s basically playing a robot for the entirety of the movie, so what do you expect? The cast is rounded out with forgettable performances from the likes of Jack Noseworthy (Idle Hands, Event Horizon), Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction, Dawn of the Dead), and James Cromwell (L.A. Confidential, Revenge of the Nerds).

Surrogates is about as bland a sci-fi flick as you’ll ever see. It fades from the mind like the name of a one night stand, leaving only a faint memory of disappointment and loss. If you watched Gamer and thought to yourself, “I would like to see a version of this without nudity, violence, or forced social commentary,” then you will definitely want to check this out. Otherwise, you should probably save your moviegoing dollar and buy yourself a copy of Dark City. Now that’s a fucking sci-fi movie.

Final Synopsis: Surrogates blows… actually it doesn’t. That would get it an R-rating. It hovers around the cock, occasionally opening its mouth… but it never wraps the lips. Skip this shit, even if you’re a fan of sci-fi movies and Bruce Willis.

Points Lost: -1 for ruining the ending of the movie with the trailer, thanks fuckers, -1 for lacking balls, -1 for being so damn cookie cutter, -1 for not using Bruce Willis right, -1 for overall bland writing, -1 for wasting such a great premise

Lesson Learned: If we all lived through robots, there would be no crime.

Burning Question: Why do the surrogates even wear clothes? It’s not like they’re going to be cold or anything.

Surrogates
4/10

Tags: 2009, Bruce Willis, helena mattson, jack noseworthy, james cromwell, Jonathan Mostow, latest movie reviews, radha mitchell, recent3, rosamund pike, sci-fi, sci-fi movie, science fiction, science fiction movie, thriler, ving rhames