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I get the feeling that the title of this movie refers to the fact that there are four types of movies… good movies, average movies, bad movies, and gimmick movies… which are inherently bad on their own. The Fourth Kind is this fourth type of movie. The film breaks new ground with an amazing blanket shittiness that I haven’t seen in a while. The film laughably comes off like an episode of Ripley’s Believe It or Not, which is bookended by public service announcement-style monologues from star Milla Jovovich. These scenes are awesomely bad as they keep implying that the film is real and that you’re a moron for not believing it… even though the holes in the film and the ridiculous marketing tactics of the film clearly support the fact that this is all fiction… shitty gimmick fiction.

Dreadful in both its inception and its execution, The Fourth Kind tells the tale of a supposedly true series of events that happened in Nome, Alaska. In the small town, a psychologist begins finding strange coincidences between the tales that a few of her patients tell. In these stories, they get all scared, insist that someone is watching them, and then flip out… all while under hypnotherapy. After a particularly intense session, one of her patients commits suicide and kills his family. This gets the cops involved. Of course, the cops believe that the psychologist herself may have something to do with the murders. More strange events occur, and then Milla Jovovich pops up to tell you that everything in the film is real.

Obviously, the whole film is a gimmicky trick that stinks worse than my latest beer-fueled deuce. It intermingles scenes of actors playing roles with scenes of “archival footage” of the supposed incident in a split-screen technique that can only be described as cheap, gimmicky, and absolutely ineffective. None of this plays out well, and it’s about as believable as Santa Claus. The people in the “archival footage” are clearly actors… and some not so good, but the film’s cheap tactics and gimmickry leave a bad taste in the mouth. Then there are the multiple scenes where names are distorted… in order to protect those involved. I don’t even feel like talking about how stupid this is.

If this story were based on fact, then it’s highly unlikely that they would hand such an interesting and groundbreaking story to a relative newcomer like director Olatunde Osunsanmi. Osunsanmi’s decisions are poor at best, and the film is a chore to sit through… with the exception of awesome scenes from Will Patton and Elias Koteas. Osunsanmi’s flick is dripping with engineered tension that never quite hits its mark. The story is so poorly put together, and the combination of fake archival footage and simultaneous re-enactment is perhaps the stupidest thing I’ve seen tried in a while Still, I can’t remember it ever being done before, so I give him credit. Of course, it’s the same type of credit I might give to someone who ate a turd on a dare. Good job, shitbreath!

The cast of the film is largely insignificant. Milla Jovovich is alright, but she isn’t anything special in this film. Her public service announcement delivery needs a little work, and I couldn’t help giggling at it a couple of times, but as far as portraying the psychologist who discovers an alien phenomenon, she’s not terrible. Will Patton gives the best performance of the film as the sheriff of Nome, Alaska. Patton’s disbelief and generally surliness are a nice mirror of what most viewers will be feeling as they let this 90 minute piece of shit slither its way down their throat and into their stomach. Elias Koteas, as is usually the case, is under-used, despite still giving a quality performance. The rest of the cast, including the people in the “archival footage,” are miserable.

The Fourth Kind is the worst kind of movie, a flick that wants to play games with its viewers. Its lack of solid execution and actual thought is shameless, and the end result is a flick that will be effective only for the simple-minded… or people that fall hook, line, and sinker for every gimmick movie that’s out there. If you like The Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, this may include you.

Final Synopsis: The words “no good” come to mind. You can believe this movie’s validity or not… but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a bland piece of shit. Skip this or get abducted by lame aliens… who speak Sumerian.

Points Lost: -1 for plot holes, -1 for the weak split screen technique, -1 for the public service announcement-like book ends at the beginning and end of the movie, -1 for not even questioning the validity of hypnotherapy, -1 for weak acting from supporting cast members, -1 for being a giant gimmick, -1 for pacing problems, -1 for aliens speaking Sumerian and lame Biblical undertones

Lesson Learned: Aliens speak Sumerian.

Burning Question: What percentage of the moviegoing public are dumb enough to buy this film’s story?

The Fourth Kind
2/10

Tags: 2009, aliens speak sumerian, based on a true story, elias koteas, fake true story, gimmick, horror, hypnotherapy is bullshit, latest movie reviews, milla jovovich, olatunde osunsanmi, recent3, recent4, sci-fi, science fiction, will patton