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I don’t know what it is about kids’ movies, but they give me the rage, and yet for some reason I was drawn to this movie like a fly to shit. Maybe it was the dumb looking mouse with his big floppy ears. It’s still a mystery to me and I have no idea why I checked out something that was so obviously not meant for intelligent adult consumption… but I do the same thing with alcohol, so why not with movies, right?

In case you’re unfamiliar with The Tale of Despereaux, the film is a fairy tale-esque kids’ movie that tells another tale of courage in a small soul. Here a mouse, named Despereaux, must figure out a way to cheer up a lonely and depressed princess and find a way to fit in with the other mice in his home. This is more difficult than it would seem because Despereaux is a functioning retard who doesn’t quite grasp how the world works. Some might call it bravery or courage, while those with brains will see it for what it is… a tard not knowing their limitations. Sadly, everyone falls for Despereaux’s mongoish cuteness and he is never quite put in his special little place.

The Tale of Despereaux is a solid little flick for the most part, but there are several things about the film that keep it from being as special as it’s floppy-eared, freak of nature main character. The first thing that truly sucks about the movie is its lack of visual flair. The animation in the film is top notch, but they seemed to have culled the color palette for the film from photographs of my bowel movements, lots of browns, greys, and the occasional green. Being an adult, I still found myself completely bored by the look of the film. I can only imagine how today’s special children might lose interest in the lack of pretty colors. Did you ever try to get a kid to watch a black and white movie? It’s almost impossible.

The story itself is kind of annoying. Now I’m not looking for anything groundbreaking in a kids’ movie, but there should at least be something interesting and poignant. After watching this film, all I’m left with is a sense that soup has transformative powers and maybe we shouldn’t drown diminutive retards on sight… maybe. There’s a boring princess and a boring king and loads of other characters that are all pathetically characterized with all the depth of an episode of the O.C.

The other problem with the movie is that it isn’t funny. There are probably five laughs in the movie and all of those were shown in the film’s trailer. I’ve laughed more farting on the toilet by myself than I did with this movie. It’s no wonder that no one wants to see this damn thing; it’s got the laughs per minute of a Chevy Chase flick.

The Tale of Despereaux bored the shit out of me after a while. Maybe it was Matthew Broderick’s creepy voice passing as a young mouse that did it. Maybe it was the fact that Despereaux has all the personality of a cum-stained dish towel… and let me tell you, that isn’t much personality. Whatever it is, there’s something missing from this film. It feels like it was made simply to make money, as opposed to telling an interesting story. That’s kind of funny when you think about it… The Tale of Despereaux, a film about bravery and courage, has no heart.

Final Synopsis: This is a kid’s movie by the numbers… but they forgot number one (humor) and number two (fascinating and captivating imagery). Skip it… and if you should find a tiny, talking , retard mouse on your doorstep one day, do yourself a favor and smash it. Careful… they squirt poop when you step on them.

Points Lost: -1 for boring story, -1 for bland color palette, -1 for a lack of heart, -1 for weak characters, -1 for a clichéd and pedestrian story

Lesson Learned: Soup can change the world.

Burning Question: Do you remember watching The Wizard of Oz and being bored out of your mind… until it all became colorized?

The Tale of Despereaux
5/10

Tags: 2008, animation, bronson pinchot, cartoon, CGI, christopher lloyd, comedy, Dustin Hoffman, emma watson, fairy tale, family, family movie, fantasy, frank langella, kevin kline, kid's movie, latest movie reviews, matthew broderick, recent, robbie coltrane, robert stevenhagen, sam fell, Stanley Tucci, talking animals, tracey ullman, william h. macy