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I hate horror remakes. While The Unborn isn’t actually a remake, it’s so clichéd and weak that it actually feels like one. There is absolutely nothing new here and the clichés are piled higher than dirty clothing in a college dorm room. We’ve got the spooky ghost kid, just like in the Grudge. We’ve got the semi-hot, but ultimately uninteresting, female lead… just like in every American theatrical ghost film that has ever been released. We’ve got super loud sound production and ridiculously placed jump scares. That, combined with the PG-13 rating, creates a film that you’ve probably seen before. Even worse, on the DVD, the only good parts of the movie are flashed before your eyes after you press the play button, in a montage that robs the film of anything that could be called surprising.

In the movie, hot, but bland, bitch number 1 is babysitting some kids one night. Then she sees some weird shit, gets cracked in the face with a mirror by a little kid who starts talking about Jumbi, and starts developing a color change in her eyes. Maybe it has something to do with her mom who killed herself. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her dad is only around for one day out of every seven. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her African American friend knows a lot more about supernatural shit than a normal college girl should. Whatever the case, bitch number 1 must figure out a way to get rid of the ghost that slowly haunts her ass by appearing in mirrors for no reason, inhabiting the bodies of bugs, and making her lose her booze. She enlists the aid of Gary Oldman… which is about the only thing of interest that she does. Oldman, who plays a rabbi, puts together a cadre of random fucks and they try and pull off an exorcism. Of course, things go wrong… and blah, blah, blah.

No one is going to argue with the fact that David S. Goyer is one of the best Hollywood writers out there… the fucker did write Demonic Toys after all. However, there are certain people who should stay behind the typewriter and not step behind the camera. After a few experiments, such as Blade: Trinity, The Invisible, and this less than stellar movie, it’s clear that Goyer could use some more work on his directorial skills. It’s befuddling when considering that this is the guy that wrote Dark City, one of the most interesting flicks of the ‘90s. While Goyer clearly has the skill to make a Hollywood style movie, he takes absolutely no chances with this film and creates a stock ghost story that has been done more times than a 5 dollar hooker… and that’s a lot.

The acting in the film is alright… I guess. Odette Yustman (Cloverfield, the voice of Amata in Fallout 3), who plays bitch number 1, is utterly forgettable. Yustman looks like a Hollywood actress, acts like a Hollywood actress, and generally fails to impress… just like a Hollywood actress. Gary Oldman (The Backwods, True Romance), as is usually the case, is fantastic… for the whole ten minutes he’s in the movie. Oldman looks out of place among the generic twentysomethings that were cast in the film, and his parts of the movie are the best. No one else here stands out, despite the presence of notables such as Carla Gugino (Watchmen, Righteous Kill), Idris Elba (Obsessed, RocknRolla), and Cam Gigandet (Twilight, Never Back Down). The writing simply isn’t crisp enough and the characters are all flat, preventing these solid actors from doing anything great.

The special effects are typical commercial horror fair. There is very little blood to be found, and most of the special effects involve looking at people wearing blue contact lenses. There are a couple killer moments at the end of the film, especially one back-breaking moment, but the kill factor of the movie is extremely low and loaded at the back end of the movie… as the deaths during the beginning and middle of the film aren’t even shown. Some of the CGI is unimpressive, such as one set of scenes involving a geriatric dude in a diaper his upside down head. The fact is there’s not enough violence or harm being done to make the ghost actually feel like a threat… until the last 15 minutes of the movie.

The Unborn isn’t a bad movie in the technical department, but it’s just a little too clichéd to be good. Not even a quick peek at some Odette Yustman camel toe can help matters any. If you’re the type of person that loves ghost flicks no matter what, there’s nothing here to keep you from watching the movie, but if you demand a little originality when watching a ghost flick, stay far away from The Unborn.

Final Synopsis: The Unborn is stock commercial horror. There’s nothing memorable here and you’ve seen this film already. Skip it, unless you’ve got swollen naughty bits for ghost stories.

Points Lost: -1 for a forgettable lead, -1 for weak characters, -1 for an abundance of clichés, -1 for the creepy ghost kid cliché, -1 for taking too much time to actually do anything, -1 for weak pacing, -1 for sound that turns household items into airports… bathroom mirrors don’t sound like twenty foot tall tomb doors when they close

Lesson Learned: Babies aren’t supposed to see their reflection for a year after they are born… or else they will die.

Lesson Learned #2: Always carry around a mirror and shine it in babies’ faces so they will die… cuz we need less kids in this country.

Burning Question: Anyone who has a kid tried the mirror thing yet? If it works, let me know.

The Unborn
3/10

Tags: 2009, cam gigandet, carla gugino, David S. Goyer, gary oldman, ghost, ghost kid, ghost movie, ghosts, horror, horror movie, idris elba, latest movie reviews, Meagan Good, Odette Yustman, odette yustman camel toe, recent3, shitty movies, supernatural