During this time of year, I’m often affronted by other “critics’” lists of the best and worst movies of the year… despite the fact that they haven’t seen enough horror movies to have a good sample size. Even if they have seen as many movies as I have (which few critics have), then they most likely include two or three movies that aren’t technically horror flicks. Cirque du Freak? That’s a fucking kids’ movie moron. District 9? That’s a sci-fi blockbuster laced over a Cloverfield frame. Out of sheer annoyance, here is my list, just so true horror fans can have some idea of what to waste their entertainment dollars on.

Oh yeah… all of these movies were released in 2009. I don’t go by the lame Academy Awards/IMDB designation of when a movie was made. If it was made available for an average person to check out during the course of 2009, then it’s a fucking 2009 movie. If it had a premiere in L.A. on December 31st, 2009, but your everyday Joe couldn’t see it until 2010, then it’s a fucking movie from 2010. If only all these critic assholes would stop taking their cues from an industry that doesn’t give two shits about them… *cough*Saw VI*cough*

The list is presented in ascending order, to prolong the climax of course.

21. Drag Me to Hell: I wanted to like Sam Raimi’s return to horror so much more than I did. It was great to have a horror master return to the genre that made him, and with an actual solid story too. Too bad he had to go and ruin it with some subpar CGI, a nut-less PG-13 rating, and some questionable supporting actors… like that Indian dude. Still, the gross-out moments within the film are memorable, and the laughs are heartfelt. In the end, Drag Me to Hell is down here, just above the Mendoza line, because it has no actual staying power. Watch it once, and that’s enough… even though I did buy the fucker. Click here to read my full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

20. Orphan: Orphan is one of those horror flicks that you expect very little from and wind up actually liking. It’s a rare find within the realm of theatrical horror… because it’s American, has a clichéd story, but still manages to entertain. Jaume Collet-Serra’s deft directing and manipulation of tension certainly had something to do with the success of the film. Killer kid movies are a dime a dozen, and I must have watched half a dozen of them this year, but Orphan was the only one worth a damn… besides the number 3 movie on the list. It’s still a one-time view, but it continues the tradition of solid killer kids movies. Isabelle Fuhrman also hands in quite a performance as Esther, the insane kid. Click here to read my review! Click here to play the drinking game!

19. The Thaw: I wasn’t expecting much from The Thaw… it does star Val Kilmer in his “post-glory days” period after all. It’s also somewhat of a cautionary environmental tale, which is always annoying. But underneath the surface, there is something here that every horror fan can dig… truly sickening physical horror that will have your skin crawling. It’s a undemanding tale, but the horror is anything but as poor college students are attacked by skin-boring parasites and turned into masses of oozing sores. If only it had a better lead actress than Martha MacIsaac (The Last House on the Left, SuperBad), it would be more than a one-time watch. Click here to read my review! Click here to play the drinking game!

18. Pontypool: In at number 18 is one of the most ambitious and artistic horror films of the year. Pontypool tries to pass itself off as a low-budget indie zombie flick, but in the end , it’s much more of a philosophical horror film that is concerned with ideas rather than wowing its audiences with scares and scenes of gore. If it had been able to combine the philosophy with something more visceral and memorable than people hiding in closets, then it would have placed higher on the list. It’s still a fairly impressive feat for it to be here at 16, and this is mostly due to the originality of the film combined with the amazing vocal talents of Stephen McHattie. Click here to read my full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

17. Tokyo Gore Police: It was a surprisingly down year for Japanese horror flicks… mostly because that whole Japanese ghost schtick doesn’t seem to hold water anymore. But now, there is a new trend coming out of the land of the rising sun… a body horror movement is fast approaching the isles… and as is usually the case, the Japanese have put their own spin on it. Starting with films like Meatball Machine and The Machine Girl, Japan has really latched onto the idea of mixing man and machine, so much so that Tokyo Gore Police would be the next logical step in the evolution of body horror. Tokyo Gore Police is easily the bloodiest, most violent, most purely good times flick of the year. Its visual acuity is solid, and its grotesque deformations of the human body stick in the mind like the time you electrocuted yourself by sticking a fork in an outlet. The horror in the movie may not be for everyone, as there are no true scares in the film, but simply a whole lot of weirdness. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

16. Evilution: Being that I’m a reviewer that doesn’t just stick to theatrical releases, there are a few films on this list that you may have never heard of. Evilution is one of them. Evilution is a smalltime zombie flick that has a lot going for it, including some great performances from some awesome character actors like Noel G., Guillermo Diaz, and James Duval. It also has a shitload of excellent zombie gore. It’s your basic “survivors trapped in a building” premise, and while it may feel stock and cliché, the presence of a character known as The Manager bumps it up into the “buy” realm. Evilution is definitely worth owning on DVD, as are all of the movies that follow on this list. Click here to read the full review! Click here to check out the drinking game!

15. Pandorum: For the life of me, I don’t know how Pandorum didn’t become a huge hit. None of the films on this list are as darkly entertaining and tense as Christian Alvart’s Pandorum. Alvart’s industrial imagery is one of the visual masterpieces of 2009. The cast of the film is also excellent, and the brutality and violence within the film are both visceral and supremely tense thanks to the machinations of Alvart. The film would have landed even higher if it weren’t for the fact that Alvart spent way too much time playing up a twist that was totally obvious in the end. Still Ben Foster manages to carry the film. The fact is, space hasn’t been this scary since Event Horizon… and contrary to what most people thought before Pandorum came out, it’s no Event Horizon ripoff, but a fresh and violent take on space horror. Click here to read my full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

14. Carriers: Carriers is the highest scoring PG-13 film on the list. It manages to overcome its rating by being downright uncomfortable. The moral decisions in this film are unmatched by the rest of the film’s of 2009. At its heart, Carriers is a zombie-esque flick about a group of people who are desperately trying to avoid getting sick in a world filled with a deadly virus. Of course, life is tough, and soon the characters find themselves at each other’s throats. Carriers may be slow for some people, but it is handled amazingly well otherwise. Chris Pine’s performance here shows that his performance in Star Trek wasn’t a fluke. There isn’t much blood or gore going on in the film, but there was nowhere in the film where I wanted more anyway. It’s a taut little thriller that works within its budget, has some great performances, and a solid premise. It’s a must-buy for sure. Click here for the full Carriers review! Click here to play the drinking game!

13. Bad Biology: This is one of those films that I checked out this year where I wish it had seen a wide theatrical release. Instead, Director Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case 1-3, Frankenhooker) chose to take this masterpiece around the country showing it off at small indie venues. Once you see the film, you’ll understand why. Bad Biology is so sexually horrifying, that there’s no way in hell a mainstream theater would have touched it. The film is also the only movie that features a serial rape montage by a drugged-up, detached monster cock. It’s one of the most memorable scenes of the year, and certainly soon to become a classic once this film is released on DVD. Henenlotter’s film is maniacally executed with a plot that would make a prude’s head explode… but as far as body horror goes, this was the best view of the year. Click here to read my full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

12. A Perfect Getaway: This is a film about a couple who travels to a jungle paradise only to discover that a murderous couple is on the loose… it’s also the film that left me the most conflicted this year. Even after a second viewing, I’m still trying to figure out if the film is pure genius or pure garbage. I’ve gone with the former on this one, because, while so many other people err out of caution, I choose to err out of nonchalance. A Perfect Getaway has two great things going for it. 1 – The greatest character of the year. 2 – Some beautiful direction by David Twohy (Pitch Black, The Chronicles of Riddick). Timothy Olyphant creates the most unforgettable character of the year (even though it’ a neck and neck race between his character in this and Woody Harrelson’s character in Zombieland). Olyphant’s quirky characterization of Nick in A Perfect Getaway is the stuff of dreams. I’m still dreaming of a sequel that follows around Nick and Nick only. A Perfect Getaway is a little predictable and doesn’t really bring the gore, which is why it isn’t higher on the list. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

11. The Collector: Finally, we’re breaking into the top eleven! This is when the films become truly great. The Collector is what I would call a stock slasher flick. Every rule that is in play in your typical slasher flick will be found within this movie. It’s a pile of clichés to say the least. But that doesn’t change the fact that The Collector is one of the best uses of tension and special effects of the year. The set pieces in The Collector are fresh, brutal, and unquestionably a good time. Some people contend that the true slasher film is dead… for those people, I say, “The true slasher film is not dead, but in hibernation, and it’s finally waking up. There’s more I could say about the film, but you should probably just check it out for yourself. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

10. Zombieland: Most people reading this will probably have a problem with the placement of Zombieland on the list. I might be among them. That’s because the first thirty minutes of this film are as close to perfection as I saw throughout the entire year. If I was just rating the first thirty minutes of a movie, this would easily take number one. Unfortunately, the film is 90 minutes long, and the last hour of it is mediocre as hell, dragged down by some forced relationship bullshit, and minimizes the amazing impact of the coolest character of the year (tied with Timothy Olyphant’s Nick from A Perfect Getaway, of course) Tallahassee. Still, as far as big-budget zombie flicks go, it’s an impressive little film filled with glorious violence, a nice clean look, and some truly humorous moments. Sadly, this is the highest-ranking American theatrical release… once again proving that Hollywood sucks in general. Now find me a fucking Twinkie! Click here to read my full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

9. Melvin: Here’s a movie that deserves a little more love than it’s receiving. As far as indie American zombie movies go, this is by far the best of the year. Henry Weintraub’s low-budget zombie opus is a fantastic blend of humor, horror, and a Troma-esque sensibility. The film features some of the best low-budget zombie effects around, and it’s one of the only zombie flicks this year to actually show some fucking gore. It’s funny as hell, well-done, and definitely worth adding to the collection. It’s now available on Amazon.com, so there’s no fucking reason to not check it out. Click here to read the full review! Click here to check out the drinking game!

8. The Path of Torment: Gary C. Warren is a beloved figure around these parts… mostly because The Path of Torment is so damn awesome and hilarious, but also because he spends some time haunting our forums and cracking us up with one-liners. His film is much the same. It’s a nice home invasion story about two dudes pretending to be Mormons… but it turns much more insane, as our friendly LDS #2 shows his true colors. Gary C. Warren’s tight dialogue and pop-culture references are melded together in a perfect manner, and while the film may be more comedy than horror, it definitely sticks in the mind. Add to this one of the best ending in low-budget indie memory, and you’ve got yourself an instant classic. I have no idea where you can find a copy of this movie… but you might want to pop into the forums and hit Gary C. up for one. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

7. Laid to Rest: If I was handing out awards for best special effects, Laid to Rest would be the winner hands down. This stereotypical slasher rises above the rest of the field thanks to the killer work of Almost Human Inc., a company whose special effects work is quickly staking claim to the title “best special effects in the business” as evidenced by their work on Quarantine, Laid to Rest, and the upcoming film The Crazies. Sure Laid to Rest is a clichéd foray into the realm of the slasher, but Chrome Skull is a damn cool invention. If you want a throwback to the ‘80s slasher with the crisp clean look of a modern movie, you have no further to look than Laid to Rest.Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

6. Dead Snow: In at number 5 is the best Norwegian film of the year… and the only one that I’ve seen. But that’s not saying that the film is terrible… in fact, it’s great. Dead Snow is another Nazi zombie flick, which is a trend throughout the years that I’m still trying to understand. Why are there so many damn Nazi zombies? Maybe because films like Dead Snow manage to make them seem fun. Dead Snow is a nice mix of Evil Dead and Dead-Alive and it features a boatload of sweet horror references to satisfy the horror enthusiast. The film’s finale is a manic gorefest complete with chainsaws and one-liners. While there are many zombie movies on the list, Dead Snow is the most evenly made of them all, and it deserves its spot at number 6. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

5. I Sell the Dead: I Sell the Dead is a fresh, original, and humorous tale from Glenn McQuaid. The cast relies purely on the strength and chemistry between Larry Fessenden and Dominic Monaghan. The two play shifty grave robbers, who have all sorts of adventures, which are funny, creepy, and always well done. The film has a spirit all its own, and its deft use of Gallows humor is seldom seen with such great effect. As an added bonus, there is a ton of variety in the film. Do you like vampires? They’re here! Think vampires suck, but like zombies? Well there are fucking zombies too! Click here for the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

4. Splinter: Some people may count Splinter as a theatrical release, but no one actually saw it until it hit DVD. The film is a smalltime flick that feels much larger thanks to killer direction, an original story, and some great creature effects. The film’s star, Shea Whigham put himself on the map in this terrifying flick about a creature that spreads like a fungus and has the ability to break apart humans and shape them in whatever manner it so wishes. The scenes in Splinter are tough to watch as bones snap and blood flies. It’s definitely a special effects driven movie, and it deserves second place in the fictional Movie Cynics “best special effects category for 2009”. Click here for the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

3. The Children: The Children was a surprising find to say the least. Very rarely does something good come out of smalltime distributors’ mass horror DVD dumpings like those done by After Dark or Ghost House Underground. Thankfully, within Ghost House’s latest releases was this little gem. It’s a chilling tale of the spread of a virus among children… a virus which turns them into crazy killers, and has the parents fighting for their lives, and deciding if they need to kill their children or not. I posit that they should have had the foresight to kill them before there was ever a virus in the first place, but different strokes, right? The film uses tension, combined with some nice kill scenes, and moral conundrums to execute its insidious little designs. The end of the film is truly excellent. Click here to check out the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

2. Trick ‘R Treat: In any other year, this film would probably wind up as number one on my list. There are absolutely zero movies that capture the spirit and fun of a holiday like Halloween quite the way that Trick ‘R Treat pulls it off. Trick ‘R Treat does for Halloween what A Christmas Story does for Christmas; it brings the nostalgia flooding back the way no other Halloween-themed movie does. It’s got great laughs, great creatures, and is completely extraordinary… and yet, the entire film is fun. If some of the stories had been a little more original or well-thought out, it might have done better than the number one film on the list, but as it is, #2 ain’t bad. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this movie wasn’t released in theaters… what a waste. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

1. Martyrs: This French flick is easily the most haunting and disturbing movie of the year. It’s unabashed brutality will have most horror fans squirming in their seats as a girl endures torture after endless torture. But unlike most films that are about some girl who gets tortured and abused, there’s actually a point to this film, and its twists are fresh, original, and completely unpredictable. On top of that, Martyrs has a stark and clean style that prevents the viewer from focusing on anything else other than the main character’s plight. It’s an ordeal to say the least, but one that is worth enduring to get to the film’s wonderful ending. Martyrs is the best film of the year, hands-down… and one that I only want to watch once, because it’s just so damn brutal and effective. Click here to read the full review! Click here to play the drinking game!

There you have it people… the 21 best horror films of 2009. Hope you find some things you might have missed out on.

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